Friday, March 27, 2015

One of those days....

Today was one of those days where if I could have ran away, I would have. I would have ran away from the pain and heartache.
Today was one of those days that if I had magical powers, I would have freed Trenton of his autism and make his life so much easier.
Today was one of those days that I fought back tears all day. My heart was shattered from the hell that Trenton went through this morning. My eyes were in pain from watching him suffer.My body was broken and nothing could mend it back together.

Something has been bothering Trenton off and on lately. In fact, he has had random moments like this for the past two weeks. (see previous post on pedaling.) Trenton is in a very "clear" stage at the moment. His sensory needs are lower at the present time, therefore it clears his mind up a little. Basically, he is more aware of things right now. Unfortunately, he is smart enough to know that he can't do some things and it upsets him.

First, Trenton was extremely difficult to get dressed this morning. He does not like changing clothes lately. However, the hard part is that he does not like to change his diaper. When I start to put a new diaper on him he hits at me and says, "no". This morning he walked around our house naked for one hour until I finally was able to put a diaper and clothes on him. The first 25 minutes he simply walked around the house naked, hitting at me every time I tried to put a diaper on him. After 25 minutes, he starts crying his big, crocodile tears. He had a huge frown on his face and he cried profusely. After a few minutes of that, he went into a meltdown on top of the stairs. Sometimes I think he realizes that he still has to be dressed and is not potty trained.

Honestly, I don't even know what to type on this blog post. Nothing I type can put into words how I felt watching my naked son with autism cry profusely while trying to say something. He was trying to communicate something to me. He knew exactly what he wanted but just could not communicate it to me. His frustrations grew stronger. His cries grew louder. My anxiety went sky rocket high. I was  from 7:02 AM to 7:58 AM trying to manage naked Trenton while Andrew was on my hip pretending to cry because Trenton was and wanting my undivided attention. Needless to say, I was broken mentally and physically from the start of our day, just like Trenton was.

I went on about my day and made the best of it with Andrew. However, my heart was with Trenton all day. Watching him battle his battles everyday motivates me more and more to be his best advocate. After all, as bad as I know I hurt, he hurts worse.

In the end, Trenton showed me tonight that we were going to be alright. He showed me love! He knows I am always there each step of the way with him. Tonight, God granted me the blessing of having Trenton curl up on me to go to sleep. I have posted the picture below. I know I look like one ugly, pale, tired Mom in this picture. I am! I think I need to post this picture outside and it would scare away any type of critter that would even think of sneaking into my house. The point is....I really don't care what I look like. The picture means the world to me because moments like this is so few and far between.
When Andrew sees this picture, I gaurantee he says, "I don't like this Mommy."
That is what he says when he sees me without makeup.

Thursday, March 26, 2015


I am so proud of Andrew. He does an outstanding job pedaling these days. He has worked so hard to achieve this big accomplishment. He is very proud of himself too! On the other hand, my heart breaks for Trenton who knows that he can't pedal. It hurt the other day to watch Trenton while he watched Andrew pedal. Trenton's eyes were so sad.  After a few minutes of watching Andrew, Trenton started fussing and had a tantrum.
Trenton realizes on some days what he can and can't do....

These pictures were from a week ago. I realized I never posted them. They are too cute to not post...
The boys couldn't watch Pops work by himself, they wanted to help.

Happy Tears Video!

Another video that brought tears to my eyes!

Here is a link to the video

Precious Video

Here is a phenomenal video of Trenton at Harsha yesterday! Trenton had an amazingly "clear" day yesterday. Words were coming out of his mouth. He was looking at his coaches and his family at home. He seemed more aware of his surroundings. He use to have days like this before but he has not in a long time. Autism is so strange how one can have days or weeks like this and then it disappears.

I have followed Carly Fleischmann's story since I read her fathers book, Carly's Voice. Carly's autism is similar to Trenton's autism. Carly would be able to type to her family and communicate on some days and then she would go through a long period where she couldn't. As of right now, Carly is a grown woman and is unable to communicate at this present time. At the time her father wrote his book, she was doing good and communicating through typing. Now she can't type. Autism is very difficult to understand. The hardest thing for me to come to grips is the individuals like Trenton who live with that brain and who are trapped in that body. 
I treasure the good days more than anyone could imagine!

 Below is a link to the video!


Wednesday, March 25, 2015


We had a really good day!
First, Andrew and Mommy went to the library. After story time today the teacher had the students paint. Andrew loved it!

All afternoon we had fun with our family from the St. Louis area and Florida!

 Andrew had an awesome time playing with his cousins!

 When Trenton got home from Harsha, he joined in on the action.
 Daddy with his siblings.

I can't wait to tell you about Trenton's day in the next post! He had a fantastic day at Harsha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Sentence

It only takes one sentence to make EVERYTHING all better. Only one sentence to make the daily battles we face all worth it. Only one!
Yesterday, while at Harsha, Andrew said one sentence to his coach that made my eyes fill up with instant tears. Andrew crawled up on his coaches lap, looked her in the eye with a serious face and said, "My Mommy takes care of me."
When his coach told me that, it was instant happy tears! It is all I needed to hear to remind me that all of those sleepless nights are more than worth it...all those battles with insurance companies...all those stares.....all those judgements....IT IS ALL WORTH IT!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Bubbles-Swing-Shaving Cream

Trenton loves bubbles! I love to see how happy he gets when we get the bubbles out at home!

Trenton still loves to swing. Swinging is a must for his sensory needs. Of course, Andrew always wants in the same swing that Trenton is in. Trenton was excellent to let him swing with him the other night.

We have been playing in shaving cream around our house lately. This is another cheap sensory activity that I can do with them. Playing with shaving cream allows them to develop their sensory skills while making them more comfortable with different textures.

The boys loved it when  I wrote the alphabet in it!