Monday, July 29, 2013

Did today really happen??

We all like to wake up to a good day right?? We like to wake up to things going our way. Would you like to wake up and really want something and have no way of communicating it?? There might be something in your head that you recall one time and you REALLY want that but how do you express that to the person you trust the most whether that is you mom, spouse, etc? So things might not be going your way but you find peace stepping out on your front porch enjoying the birds chirping or watching the sun rise over a cup of coffee. That will put you in a better mood right!

What does a child do that does not understand anything? What do they do if they really want something, can't communicate it, and only has the capability of understanding the very smallest minute things in this life????  What does a child do with autism???? I have the answer. They cry for hours upon hours. They scream for hours upon hours. They damage items, kick, hit others away for hours upon hours.

This morning, Trenton had his first tears within five minutes of waking up. Andrew had his first tears, due to Trenton, within minutes of waking up. Mommy had her first tears by 8:00 AM. Mommy had a pounding headache by 8:15 AM. What was the reason??? Wish I knew? If Trenton could tell me, everything would have been better.

Today was the most frightened I have ever seen Andrew. He was deathly afraid of his brother. Andrew could not even come close to Trenton or Trenton was coming after him ready for a fight. If Mommy even touched Andrew, Trenton screams became even more louder. The screams and tears from today has left me numb.

We survived the very early morning hours and traveled to therapy. His speech therapist said he participated but had some very moody patches. No surprise! No spontaneous words but he participated. His occupational therapist said today was the best he has done for her yet! Awesome!! She swears he read the word "ice cream" today. She would not be surprised and I would not either. This is one of those freakishly smart traits of children with autism.

I left Olney in high hopes that the rest of our day would be good. I was wrong. Alicia, ABA therapist, came to our house at noon. Listening to this session left me feeling complete anger! Angry at AUTISM!! I was left feeling a state of shock. Did that session really just happen??? I listened to my baby not only cry and scream but the tone in his cry and screams is enough to take the hairs right off your arms. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

ABA is a very forceful therapy and she has started to push Trenton very hard. Trenton knows he can't do it so he has a full blown meltdown in a strapped chair and he is not allowed out until after the session and after he tries to complete the task for the whole time she is working with him.  I can't watch this. I have to remove myself from the room and listening close by.  The task that pushed me over my edge today was over a "crab". Trenton had to identify the crab out of a group of sea animals. Trenton identified this. Next, she asked him to say "crab". Through his tears, through his screams, through his kicks he said the "C" sound. Of course she wanted more than just the "C" sound. She kept asking him to say the word. Once again.....through the tears, screams, kicks, he babbled " I DI". I know in my heart, he was trying to say " I did".  Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. It was enough to do me in for the day. Can you imagine!!! Can you imagine having someone in your face asking you to do something that you either can't do or you think you have already done it. ( they say sometimes children with autism babble, they truly believe they are talking.) Can you imagine??? In your head you said Crab but what came out was "c" and that was  not good enough!!!! Unfortunately, this is tough love therapy and he has to have this therapy.

I guess since I was already living in "hell" today I thought I would torture myself even more. I asked her what she thought of Trenton's prognosis in life and where he was on the spectrum. I did not get the response I wanted to hear.

She is an amazing therapist! She always leaves me with some great information. She has many years of experience with children with autism and I take what she says to heart and really trust her. We have only worked with her for two months but she is AMAZING!!

After she left, I grabbed Trenton, and we had a long talk with God. Like always, after I talked to him, I feel better!

After a day like this, and I could tell even more details but this post would be long enough for its own book, it would be nice to sit down and relax and talk to your partner about the day. However, when a tragedy hits a family like it has ours, it either makes you stronger or pulls your apart. You can't talk about the tragedy or you are left taking everything out on the person you share your life with. One spouse handles things one way and the other handles things the complete opposite. All of this does not help the situation.  What do you do????? Put all of your cares to the good Lord!! He will help in all areas!

Trenton did have a moment where he had lots of fun with his stuffed animals.

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