Monday, July 1, 2013


What is normal? I would love to know! I'm fairly confident what is "normal" for me is not really normal.
It is ten o'clock at night and I am still watching Trenton run back and forth across our house since 6:00 PM. He is having a panic attack when all light switches are off and if a door is closed. He is running so much for the past four hours he is out of breath.  I can't have pants on, my pants have to be rolled up to my knees or it causes a meltdown. For one hour straight I had to sit in a certain spot in our living room without my legs crossed or this caused a meltdown. Plus, it appears bed is no where in sight for him.

It's not like I can just sit on the couch and watch him and take it easy. When he acts like this, soft classical music is playing in the background to help calm his nervous system. He tries to hang from my curtains, jump off my table, stand on my computer desk, run into walls, etc, etc, etc....I think you get my drift. I have said the word "No" so many times that if I got paid for the amount of times I have said it my financial stress would be gone!!

In the middle of all of this I do what I hate myself for. I get on the Internet. Do you know how much more depressing this can make someone who already suffers enough sadness?? Alot!

I wish I knew what went through his body and what it felt like. Who just keeps raining today so maybe he is hearing every raindrop hit out house and it sounds like a thousand bombs going off. I don't know! I just know I have enough knowledge on autism that this would not be impossible.
What is really hard at times when people are around Trenton for a very short period and I hear "O he is so good these days. He is really changing" Really!! I know you might think I need to take it as a compliment but you are not with him like I am. Yes he can be good it all depends on his sensory problems, nervous system, and how many ants he feels like is running on his body. Trenton has learned how to adapt to some of these problems- thank goodness! But his days are never the same! He fights these battles every day whether or not he is appearing to be calm and good.  Would people say this if they were me??? I doubt it!
Because what I fail to do is inform my readers of every detail in our lives. I fail to tell you that I can't even make a 30 minute car trip to therapy without pulling over to the side of the road at least 3 times because he is screaming so much because he wants to communicate something but can't. I fail to tell you how at times my arms from my shoulder to my elbow is bruised and scratched due to his anxiety.....he takes it out on me. I fail to tell you I have to sneak out of my own house so it isn't a meltdown. I fail to tell you about his sensory cravings when he sees smooth texture food and how his body craves to rub it in his fingers, all over the walls, all over the furniture. I fail to tell you how he takes one bite of food and throws the rest across the room. I fail to tell you how I bought the wrong brand of juice box one time and it led to a huge meltdown...I learned my lesson.  I fail to tell you how it really affects a marriage. The list could go on.

I'm not telling you this to feel sorry for me, I'm telling you to educate what a mom and son team goes through with autism. Don't feel sorry for me......just try to imagine what it feels like to be Trenton.

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