Monday, November 25, 2013

From Great to Hell on Earth in less than 7 hours

I have no idea how this post is going to go so just bare with me. It might get ugly tonight. If you are easily offended then maybe you should stop reading after this line. My nerves are gone, my heart is about to pound out of my chest, I have been mentally abused for the last  3 1/2 hours, my body is beat up, I am on the verge of tears, and just the thought of the simplest holiday cheer is enough to make me VOMIT! Our day started off great after a bad weekend but the day ended up like we were living Hell on Earth.

This morning after school we went to see Jessica and Emily for some therapy at Olney. After his speech session with Jessica I was living on cloud nine! Trenton had the most amazing session with her AND...........he spontaneously said two words! He requested and said "want elephant"!!! He has never verbally said "want" and to put it with another word!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It made my day and I think it made Jessica's too!

During occupational therapy, he sat for Emily for approximately 10-12 minutes and worked for her!! He was not confined to a seat!! This is great!!! Trenton use to always have to be confined in a seat but lately he will work unconfined for awhile! Good Job Trenton!

Later in the day we have ABA with Alicia. Alicia tried to get him over and over to say "want goat." He simply could not do it this afternoon. He was very quiet and used very little sounds with her. Nonetheless, he said it this morning and we will take that!

Now, Hell on Earth entered into the house this evening. Trenton was trying to relax and go to sleep in his swing. In the matter of seconds he is out of his swing, screaming a scream I have never heard out of him. Nothing can remotely describe the sound of the scream coming from him. In the middle of the screams, he was making sounds I have never heard before. He was trying to talk. He was trying to talk!!! In his mind he was telling me something and he was wondering why I wasn't helping him. That enough was about to send me into cardiac arrest but what came next....well....can't believe I am still standing. Trenton just went nuts! I knew he was having some type of body feeling. More than likely, the ant or fire feeling. I picked him up and squeezed him as tight as I could. I touched one of his legs and his body stiffened up and the blood curdling scream continued forever.  He acted like my touch killed him. When I touched his legs, it probably felt like knives stabbing his body. I texted my mom, she came to my house to take care of Andrew. I picked Trenton up and put him in the car to see if that would help him. It was so bad, I didn't even take time to put on a jacket or shoes in the thirty degree weather.
Once in the car driving, the screams continued. About a half mile down the road Trenton takes his hand and fist and starts hitting himself in the face and the legs. I just kept driving in shock! The screams continued as well as the self injurious behavior. Finally after 20 minutes, it ceased.

I realize reading this does not even come close to living it. There is simply no way to describe the sound,the noises, and the scream that was coming from him. There is simply no way to describe to the majority of my readers what it feels like to witness your child in such severe pain. There is simply no way to describe what it feels like to watch your child suffer from a mental illness. There is simply no way to describe what it feels like to watch your child engage in self injurious behavior. There is no way we can come close to knowing what it is like to be Trenton. If you want to come close to knowing what it feels like to be Trenton and I then I suggest you buy a thousand ants and poor them over your loved ones body, take about 20 knives and stab them in the legs, light their legs on fire, turn on 20 different kinds of music on full blast, take away their ability to talk, and take away your ability to help them because the ants on their body are on there to stay for awhile, the knives aren't moving, the flames won't go out, the music won't turn off, and remember....they can't talk. What would you feel like? What would your loved one feel like?......told you this post might get ugly!...why wouldn't it......I spend my days living Hell on Earth sometimes....can't expect me to be so cheery all the time. This is life with autism. This is raising a child with a mental illness. This is suffering from guilt for bringing a child into this world that suffers. This is educating you on autism!!

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1 comment:

  1. Angela.....I cannot even begin to understand what you (and Trenton) deal with on a daily basis. I just feel awful when I read about how Trenton can't sleep or can't communicate his thoughts and feelings. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and take all his communication problems away. You are such an amazing mother and should not feel guilty about anything. Trenton is so lucky to have you. You devote all of your time and effort to him and giving him a better life. I will continue praying for you guys, and I feel so blessed to have gotten to know you and Trenton.