Friday, November 1, 2013

My heart is bleeding

Trenton made my heart bleed tonight. I was giving Andrew a bath and Trenton came in and stood by me. Trenton was looking off into the air and doing his thing  he always does. One would think he was not paying attention, however I believe he was totally paying attention. Andrew was  engaging nicely with me  and we were laughing and singing. All of a sudden I hear Trenton crying. I turn and looked behind me and he had his big tears rolling down his face, a huge frown, his hands were held out in front of his face and he was crying hard. I quickly got Andrew out of the tub, dried him off, and put a diaper on him. I grabbed Trenton and he let me hold him for a minute. He continued to cry. He cried himself to sleep.

What in the word made him cry all of a sudden? I know. I am almost positive he had a "clear" moment and realized that Andrew and I were talking, singing, and laughing and he simply can't do any of that. I know the look he had on his face, I know that cry he had and it was a cry out of frustration. I immediately felt like complete crap! I felt guilty for enjoying a moment with Andrew, a moment that Trenton can not do. Trenton cried himself to sleep out of frustration. I have no idea what that must feel like. I feel guilty. He has a hard enough life as it is. I give my heart and soul to help him every day and make his life as comfortable as it can be. We have many moments of joy however we have many moments that make us drop to our knees crying, gasping for our breath.

1 comment:

  1. I have felt this pain many times before. I have four children and my middle two have autism. My children are older now 13, 11, 9, and 7. Your Trenton reminds me of my Blake. Blake and his sister Lauren have came a long way. Do not feel guilty for enjoying your other child and his life. SIblings have to deal with numerous emotions having a special needs sibling. Resentment is hard to deal with as they get older and they realize how much time you spent with their sibling. You are an
    awesome mother and there is no doubt you are on the right track with school and therapies. My kids have improved so much and I would have never thought we would have made it this far. Time goes by so fast. Remember to take time for yourself and your husband. God bless you and your family.