All I can say is that I have one year until I have to worry and stress about the holidays again. Holiday time brings me so many more tears than what I already shed on a daily basis. On Christmas Eve we attempted to go to the Conrad family Christmas. It is a two hour and forty five minute drive one way. We drove that distance and only was able to stay for one hour. During the majority of the hour, I was distracting Trenton from sensory overload so Tim and Andrew could enjoy themselves. However, after one hour sensory overload took over Trenton and we had to leave. When Trenton goes to a door and actually says "bye" with tears rolling down his face, I have to act or else it is a full complete autistic meltdown and the meltdowns can last for hours. Besides sensory overload, Trenton has a cold which does not help. Consequently, I put Trenton in the car with a video playing while we gathered up presents that Trenton had no interest in unwrapping. We said our "goodbyes", which we just had said our "hellos" not that long ago. Unfortunately, we headed home. This is life with autism and it just plain stinks!
On our drive home, my mind ran away with itself wondering how different our life would be without autism. I was picturing Trenton with his beautiful smile opening up presents and saying, "Thanks Mom! This is just what I wanted!!!" I pictured him running around the house playing with his cousins. Since I let my mind go there, I found myself crying on the way home and picturing Trenton free from his struggles. With that said, it will be a glorious day when Trenton and I are both in heaven and I get to see my baby without the trials and tribulations that this world has brought upon him. Trenton is one of the many earthly reasons why I strive to live that straight and narrow life so we can rejoice free of trials in heaven and meet my first baby too!
Christmas Day was another day of struggles. Another reminder of how different our life is. A reminder of how my dream of having children and the joys that Christmas brings are far from the Christmas movies you can find on TV where life is normal and Christmas is nothing less than perfect. That would just be absurd if a movie was made showing how families living with autism celebrate the holidays now wouldn't it! If there was a movie it would entail nothing but anxiety and tears for the child and parents. The movie would contain families not accepting family invitations for a Christmas gathering. Instead, the families would live just a normal routine day in the comfort of their own prison cell in order to save their child from any extra anxiety or fear that they already have daily. The utmost priority is your child and their best interest. After all, we, the parents, had the pleasure of living 30 normal years on this Earth. Thirty years of celebrating the holidays without stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, meltdowns, etc. So is it really that big of deal if we can't have a normal holiday? No! It really isn't. After all, we were blessed with 30 years of a normal life where Trenton has never had a normal life.
On Christmas morning Mommy, Daddy, and Andrew unwrapped a few gifts. Trenton wanted nothing to do with it and stayed in his room. I eventually brought two presents to him and he unwrapped one and Mommy unwrapped the other. Later in the morning, we went to Nana and Pop's for breakfast. Trenton lasted two hours. Mommy took him home for a little over one hour. Once he had recuperated, we went back to Nana's for one hour. Trenton did not participate in the gift opening at Nana's today either. He hid out in Nana's toy room all day laying on her loveseat. Mommy did bring him a few gifts into the room and he opened them. Later in the evening, he opened up some when it was just Mommy and him at home. This holiday season has broke my broken heart more than one can imagine. Only another mom who faced these battles can relate.
Here are a few pictures from our past few days.
I love this necklace! It has the puzzle piece, T for Trenton, and his birthstone1