I am very surprised that I have not pulled out every strand of hair that I have on my head. This whole life makes me want to pull my hair out every single minute!
Trenton had a doctor appointment first thing this morning at Cardinal Glennon. I had two choices and they were to either get brave and stay the night at my brothers the night before or be on the road by 6 AM after a sleepless night. I chose to stay the night at my brother's house. I have not done that since October. The last time I did it was a disaster because Trenton wanted to go home at night and do his normal routine.
We arrived at Uncle Brent's house around 4:00 PM and the evening went fairly well for Trenton, Nana, Andrew, and myself. Andrew was extremely timid going into Brent's house. He had a moment at one time in the evening where he got scared and stood in the corner for a few minutes. Trenton was perfectly happy until he got tired. He fussed a lot and grabbed my hand repeatedly and took me to the front door. This is his way of telling me he wanted to go home. However, we battled through it and finally went to sleep and actually slept!!
The next morning is when everything went down hill rather quickly and turned into a day that I wished never happened. While Trenton and I went to the doctor, Nana, Brent, and Andrew went to the zoo. Trenton was very well behaved in the waiting room. While in the waiting room, I was thinking that our day just might happen to be a good one. Trenton's name was called back. I grabbed his hand and smiled at the nurse. She smiled at Trenton and said with a cheerful voice, "Hi Trenton. How are you?".
To no surprise, Trenton ignores her and keeps on looking at the ground. The nurse said again, "Hi Trenton."
Again, no response. The nurse looks at me and had the audacity to say, "He isn't even looking at me and appears to be ignoring me."
My blood started boiling while my blood pressure went sky rocket high at this point.
I looked at her with one eye brow raised and said in a stern motherly voice, "He has autism."
Before I could say anything else she starts going on and on how well behaved he was for having autism. Just like a light switch, she no more than said that when Trenton started going ballistic. Trenton continued to scream and have a meltdown for the whole entire next hour. It was impossible for Trenton's doctor and I to have a conversation. Trenton was in a full blown autistic meltdown.( If you want to know what he does during these kinds of meltdowns, watch my meltdown post video.)
Approximately every ten minutes the doctor kept saying, "This is so sad. He is so upset. Will he stop soon?"
The whole appointment felt rushed and I probably only heard half the information that she told me. Nonetheless, we survived and eventually found ourselves walking back to the car.
I once again tried to be a normal mom and thought I would try the zoo just to see how Trenton would do since we had to meet Nana and Andrew there anyway. I managed to walk up to the zoo with Trenton in a normal fashion. Before I knew what was taking place, Tropical Storm Trenton was about to become a category 5 hurricane in a matter of minutes. I managed to meet up with my family but they were stressed beyond the imaginable with Andrew. Andrew was totally oblivious to everything around him and only wanted to run away. We soon took shelter in the children's zoo where it is a closed in area with goats and roosters. Once again, Andrew paid no attention to the animals. Trenton admired the goats for a few minutes and then all he wanted to do was try to climb over the gate and into places that he was not allowed. Every time I pulled him down, he kicked me and cried bloody murder. He would fall to the ground crying. I would pick him up and ask him over and over to please work with me but he went straight into meltdown mode.
I look at Nana who is doing nothing but battling Andrew over and over. Our only hope was to leave the children's zoo and see if we could find something else to capture their attention. Regrettable, nothing captured Trenton's attention because he was too far gone into an autistic meltdown once again.
Before I knew what was taking place, he ran up to a stand that sells nothing but stuffed animals. Of course, Trenton wanted each and every one of the them.We bought one hoping it would satisfy him but it didn't. Here I was in the middle of the zoo, trying to calm him down with everyone walking by staring at us in disbelief. Nana and Brent tried to take Andrew to ride the train. I was doing nothing but trying to hold a child that was kicking me, screaming, crying, dropping to the ground, hitting himself in the head, and trying to run away. I had enough at this point. I picked him up kicking, screaming, hitting me, while trying to carry my diaper bag and started our long walk out of the zoo and to our car. We had to walk past the stuffed animals again..... and before I knew it I found myself throwing money at the lady working and telling her to hurry up and give me an elephant. Trenton gets free from my arms, stuffed animals are flying in the air, every passerby is standing there in dismay at what they are watching and I have sweat beads dripping from my body in 70 degree weather.
I calming but sternly say, "Hurry please." She hands us the elephant and the meltdown gets worse. With tears in my eyes I pick him up again, carrying out my precious child in a full blown meltdown, and headed to the car. No words can describe how I felt walking to the car. We had made a scene that was a true example of autism.
I was at the zoo for one hour and nothing was enjoyable. Once again it was only added stress. I give up! Not only am I done with holidays but I am done trying to do something small like what I tried today. Trenton simply could not handle anything today.
It left me only more depressed to watch the other children that were my boys age there having fun, looking around at their environment, communicating with their parents, walking alongside their parents, etc,etc,etc. Everything that we can't do and will not be able to do for many many years. Therefore, I AM DONE! DONE! No longer am I trying anything. I have an obligation to try to participate in a walk for autism this Saturday but as soon as Trenton and Andrew have had enough, I am leaving. It is not worth it! Not worth putting them through it and not worth the stress.
On the way home today I told my mom, "I am content to stay home in my prison cell and only getting out for church and therapy. I don't have to watch "normal" life if I stay in my prison cell. The boys don't have to be tortured if we stay in our prison cell. It's sad when you look forward to therapy because those are the times your children are the happiest and I am surrounded by people who care and understand."
I took a few pictures Wednesday of the boys playing outside in the yard. They were so happy. I love it when they are happy.