Taking Trenton to the doctor is worse than being caught outside in the middle of a golf ball size hailstorm with no where to seek shelter. Way worse! I am sure the golf balls falling from the sky would hurt like no other. However, seeing the fear, anguish and torture in Trenton's eyes leaves my heart shattered! It shatters my heart and there is no way to repair it. I could eventually bounce back from golf balls but there is no bouncing back from autism.
We made a trip to St. Louis to see our sleep specialist on Thursday. Now, on a good note, and I hate to even say this because once I do he will have consecutive bad nights but overall our sleep is the best its been. I seriously use to spend every hour in the night up with Trenton. Two years ago Trenton and I lived in our car at night. I cruised the country roads sipping on coffee from midnight to 4 AM every night to calm him down. I thought I would never sleep again. But now......wow...I am getting some consecutive hours on some nights and its great!! Wonderful!! Sure, my mornings may start at 3 or 4 AM 50 % of the time and I may have been up twice before that for a short bit but come on!!!! I am getting some sleep. I use to not get any!!
With all that said, I had the best news that I have ever been able to report to Dr. Paruthi. However, the overall doctor experience was a scene from the twilight zone. Trenton immediately got high anxiety once we walked into the hospital. He started fussing, crying, and like I mentioned earlier, his eyes were filled with anguish and terror. I signed us in while holding him screaming, kicking, and trying his best to get away. The lady signing us up said, " Oh I think he just wants to go out in the waiting area and play." I kindly smiled and explained how I can't leave him out of sight and he would just run away. I think she was confused but most people are if they don't live with autism.
After we signed in, he paced up and down the waiting room fussing. I tried multiple times to comfort him and he wouldn't let me. When he is in an unfamiliar area, there is no controlling him when his anxiety is running high. I am nothing to him at these times. Well....most times I feel like I am nothing to him because he lives in a body where he can't express love or communication.
I wanted to do nothing more but to hold him, hug him, kiss him, and reassure him that everything is going to be fine. I told him over and over that I wasn't going to let anything happen to him but he kept on ignoring me...fussing...crying....and pacing. I can't put in words how much it hurts me to see him like this. I can't put in words how much it hurts to have a child that you are nothing to. I can't put in word how much it hurts to not be able to help your child. It hurts!! Hurts worse than those stupid golf balls falling from the sky.
Once we got in the room, the experience was not any better. He ran out of the room trying to escape five times!! In a little room....five times!!!! He is faster than greased lighting! I finally had to stand in front of the door and the doctor stood at the opposite end of the room trying to keep him in the room. Toward the end of the appointment, Dr. Paruthi's nurse gave Trenton her stethoscope. This was the best thing that happened to us for a while! A simple stethoscope saved the day. He loved it ! I got to check out of the doctor in peace and the ride home was much better than the ride over! Anyway, we survived but not without some anxiety, tears, and a shattered heart.
He enjoyed the stethoscope on the way home.
He even fell asleep with the stethoscope.
He even took the stethoscope with him on our way to Terre Haute this morning. Its the first thing he was looking for when he woke up today. He calls the stethoscope, "doc-a" I think he is trying to say doctor.