Friday, December 26, 2014

Dear Autism

Dear Autism,

 I have read the books and literature on how you destroy a family. Not only do you take away everything from an innocent child but you destroy the family. You destroy a family's dreams and hopes.  You destroy so much more than the innocent child that you decided to live in.

I lost a lot of dreams when you chose Trenton and Andrew. I have been doing the best that I can to beat you. I have been doing the best that I can to prove to you that you will not conquer my boys. But in order for me to show you how much I want to win over you, I am forced to do away with the one dream that I was still living and that is raising my boys in my hometown surrounded by a community that has proved to us over and over that they care about us. You have forced me away from my parents who have became my rock in life, my grandparents who I love more than this world, and my brother and his family whom I had countless dreams of watching our children grow up together. You are taking Andrew away from these people!!! You are forcing me to take my boys away from their cousin whom they were going to have so much fun growing up and playing with. You are forcing my boys away from their cousin who was going to watch over them when I couldn't be around. You are taking us away from our nice home in the country next to Nana and Pop.

I have shed more tears this week than I have in a long time.I could fill a river with the tears that I have shed lately. In fact, I woke up this morning with swollen eyes. I looked like a monster. I cried so much on Christmas day and night that I didn't even look normal. I held myself together until I hugged Grandma. We embraced each other and didn't want to let go. We cried. It's hard to leave the ones that you love. But I am willing to do it to conquer you. I pulled myself together fairly well this morning and Trenton and I left for Terre Haute. Once we got in the van and headed down our normal route there, the tears came back. I cried off and on the whole way there. I cried my make up off.  At one point I realized every vehicle was passing me as if I was siting still. My van was like the tortoise and all the other cars traveling was the hare. I was so overcome by grief on my travels, I realized I was driving 55 mph on the interstate which explained why every vehicle was passing us.

Oh yes, my emotions of the move went in full force on Tuesday. I tried to go to the BMV in Terre Haute to change my drivers license and to get an Indiana plate on my van. I could say that this was the point when everything sank in to me. When I sat down to give the lady all information and papers that she needed, she informed me that I needed just one more piece of paper with my new address on it. I had a piece of paper with my husband's name on it but that wasn't good enough even though she was holding my marriage license that clearly says that  I am married to Tim Conrad. Nope, she still needed one more item. Well, I didn't have that item. What happened next was like a scene from a movie. Uncontrollable tears came gushing down my face while clenched my jaw.

"I understand where you are coming from and that you have a job and have to follow the rules. Therefore you have to understand why I can't control my tears right now. I am moving to this state for my sons who have autism. I don't even want to move to this state. I am a sleep deprived special needs mother who has such precious time. Now I have to come back on another day which means I will not meet my deadline that I have to have this done for. I don't even understand what I have to do next with my house but all I know is that I have to show someone my license with my address on it to save me some money but it has to be done by the end of the year. Now I can't meet that deadline." I cried out while looking like Alice Cooper with black mascara and eye liner all over my face.

She looks at me as if I am a crazy woman. "Angela you can come back tomorrow. I am so sorry."

I go on to tell her that I can't come back, I grab my items crying profusely. I walked out of the BMV with all 20 other people staring at me.

You have made me an emotional basket case, Autism. I hate you! I hate everything that you have done to my boys, my family, and myself. We will rise above you Autism! You are working against a warrior mother who will die putting up a good fight against you. You have me in such an emotional state right now but I just want you to know that it only makes me stronger. It only makes me more willing to do EVERYTHING possible to make sure that you will not be able to enter into other's lives. It makes me more willing to do everything that I can do make sure we find a cure against you. You made a mistake choosing my children. You. Made. A. Big. Mistake.
A Warrior Mom

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