Thursday, December 11, 2014

Moving Cont'd

Our upcoming move to Indiana has many pros and cons. The number 1 pro of course is the simple fact the boys will be able to attend Harsha everyday!!! However, there is one con that is tearing me up on the inside. I am doing my best to hide it but I can't anymore. It pulls at my heartstrings just thinking of taking Andrew away from his Nana, Pop, Lincoln & family,  and Grandma Great. Andrew asks to go to Nana's house everyday! Majority of the time he is asking to go there within the first few hours that he is awake.  Besides asking for Nana's house daily, he asks to play with Lincoln daily. My heart is broken taking him away from family that he knows so well and loves to be around. Andrew loves all of his family but the above people are extremely special to him because he is use to seeing them daily or weekly. Between both boys, I think Andrew is going to have the harder adjustment.  Nana's house will no longer be walking distance, Lincoln will no longer live in the same town, and Grandma Greats house will no longer be right there to drop in on.

Another issue that is bothersome to me is our house that we live in. If our prison cell that we call our house could talk, it would have a story to tell. A story of a family who lost their dream and live in heartache every day. Our house has good memories such as bringing the birth of our second son home to but the memories of autism overtake the joyful memories. Many of times I pulled in our driveway after driving Trenton in the middle of the night for hours on end and I would just look at our house in disgust.  To me and Trenton, our house was a torture chamber. It's where I was up around the clock dealing with a child who knew only to scream and cry. Its where I was forced to run on empty because Trenton literally never slept. It's where I got kicked at, hit at, and soaked with water when my children screamed bloody murder because the bath water felt like knives on their skin.  It's where I would have to lay my body on top of Trenton and hold him down to try to brush his teeth. It's where I had to lay my body on his when he was sick and try to squirt medicine down his throat. It's where poop has been smeared from wall to wall. It's where I have had food thrown at me and smeared all over my house. It's where I have cried and mourned the loss of my two sons to autism.

I love the country music song,"The House That Built Me". If I could change the words a little and talk to the future owners of this house..... my version would go like this...


I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But those tear stains on the carpet are mine.
And down that way, in that little back bedroom
is where my son would run away from strangers.
And I bet you didn't know under this roof
my sons fought the hard battle of autism.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

I became an autism advocate for life
From right here in this four walled home.
Therapist were found, strengths were gained,
and inch by inch we found our new normal
in this house that you live in.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move to areas that provide for your children
Ill never give up on  the future of my boys.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me. 

 This house definitely built me into the strong Christian woman I am. It built me into a warrior mother who will stop at nothing for her children. It built me into the person I am today. To be honest, I can't hardly bare the thought of leaving my prison cell.

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