In 2010 when I found out that my life was taking me back to my hometown, I could not have been more thrilled! I was a small town girl at heart and I was excited to get back to the small town atmosphere. Most of all, I was more than thrilled to be close to family with the chance to watch my kids grow up and go to the same school and play on the same sports team as their cousins. As we all know, since I have moved back autism stole most of those dreams away. I regret to tell you tonight, that autism has officially stole the rest of those dreams.
I should have posted this post a few weeks ago. However, I never could bring myself to. I kept on hoping that this was not really taking place and that what I thought was going to happen was not really going to happen. I have no idea how I thought it wasn't going to happen but that's what I kept on telling myself.
If you are a religious follower of my blog then you know that back in August I was having some health problems. I have not truly expressed how "weak" I was the month of August. I was on my way of having some major problems myself. My mind and body had been too strong for too long and it was collapsing. I walked on pins and needles from August 9th, the first day of my first panic attack that lead my heart into A-Fib, to the month of October where my final test results were revealed. It was a brutal two months of not knowing what my day was going to bring me while dealing with autism.
Until the boys started Harsha in August, I had never had more than one or two hours of respite from severe autism until then. Unfortunately, living in a small town in southern Illinois, the resources is limited....finding the proper care for your child is limited. I ran myself ragged getting Trenton the help he needed for 2 1/2 years. Five days a week I got the boys ready by myself, made their breakfast, changed diapers, got them ready while managing to make myself look presentable to leave the house. I would load the boys up in the van and we would head east to Olney for therapy and then head north to Effingham for therapy. I would spend a total of two hours in the car by myself with two boys with autism who are NOT good on the road daily. Then we would arrive home about the same time Daddy left for work which meant I still had the rest of the day with the boys by myself. We would have a few minutes home until the next therapist would arrive at our house ready to go. During the school year we added the ECE classroom in the crazy schedule. I could give you minute by minute details that would send most people in a frenzy of what I went through for the last 2 1/2 years of the therapy schedule that we had. I simply had no choice. I had to do it! If I didn't do it, then Trenton would still be like he was at 18 months of age and I will explain why later in this post.
With that said, when I finally had a few consecutive hours to myself when the boys started Harsha, it was amazing. My mother, who assists me on our trips to Harsha, noticed the change in me right away. She had a much more relaxed daughter during those hours. She had a daughter who for the first time in a few years actually got to sit down and eat a meal and have a conversation with her because the boys were at Harsha for the day.
I will never forget the day my mother said, "Angie I really think you should move to Terre Haute." When I heard those words out of my mother's mouth I had never been so confused and hurt. In fact I raised my voice at her and asked her how in the world did she ever think I could move while having health problems. Who was going to help me? I would have no one!!! How could my mother even say that!!
After I calmed down I gave some much needed thought to what my mother said. Like always, my mother was right. I needed to move. It all makes sense for the most part. Trenton could attend Harsha 7 hours out of the day. During that 7 hours I could get groceries instead of strategically planning and penciling in my calendar of when I could possible sneak away to buy some milk. During the 7 hours I could clean house, do laundry, and better yet...cook!!! I could cook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even know what that is right now. I mean come on...when do you think I have time to cook after going on an average of 3-4 hour of sleep each night while running all over tarnation to therapies. Heck...I might even have time to use the bathroom!!
Yes mother, you are right once again! I need to move to Indiana. So that started the idea of moving.
Do I want to move? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HECK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hence is why I am just now mentioning it. It makes my stomach turn thinking of moving. It is the hardest decision of my life by far. If I thought of my needs...if I thought of my needs for a just a tiny split fraction then I wouldn't move at all. That's how bad I do not want to move. However, as those who have always known me would agree, I never think of myself. I have always lived how God wants us to and that is thinking of others first.
My boys, especially Trenton, needs the consecutive hourly care from professionals in autism. I am a 100% believer that therapy is the key to children with autism. Therapy can not cure the boys but it can drastically change their life. Before Trenton started therapy he screamed, cried, never slept a wink, and had nothing to do with anyone except Mommy and Nana. He didn't even have much to do with his Daddy. Now, Trenton sleeps more, we have less meltdowns, he can say some words, and will let others around him! This is huge!!! From all the research that I have done and through my own experience of witnessing Trenton's success so far, therapy is the key! Just think of what we might be able to gain if he gets 7 hours/5 days a week!!! Oh the possibilities is one thing that keeps me going folks!
Andrew too has made exceptional gains! A year ago he was my child who didn't sleep, who never greeted us when we came home, who only repeated what we said, etc,etc, etc. Now he is can say sentences, greets us and sleeps MUCH better! Just imagine what he can gain if he continues to get therapy!!
So, there was simply no question about it....we have to move! Our move would not have been possible without the help from our family who has done the unthinkable to make this happen for the boys. The boys are so blessed! God is good!!
When are we moving? In only a few short weeks. I can barely type right now because I have cried off and on all day and the tears continue to flow. My heart is hurting right now. I really do not want to move. Nonetheless, as I have always said, I refuse to take my last breath in this life and not say that I did everything I could for my boys. I want to live a life with NO REGRETS! I will have no regrets if I move and give the boys this chance.
I have much more to say but I am exhausted. My eyes hurt from the tears that I cried today. This post will be continued tomorrow!
I do want to leave you tonight with a challenge....I challenge each and every one of you to live a life with no regrets! No regrets!!! Anything is possible if you are a child of Christ! Live your life for the Lord and I guarantee you will never have any regrets!