That's the question I have been asking myself lately. Why? Why my boys? Why me? WHY?
I was at a good point in my life before we moved where I had fully accepted everything. I accepted autism and what that life was like for my boys and for myself. Did I like it? No!!!! But that is life. It's not fair. It is what it is. God never promised us a smooth sailing life.
Now since we have moved, I am asking that question all over again. WHY? I know I will never know the reason why. I want what others have so bad it hurts. I want both of my boys to look me in the eye. I am so thankful that Andrew does but I mourn everyday over the fact that Trenton is unable to. It's been a long time since Trenton has looked at me. It's been a long time since we made eye contact. I long for the moment that it will happen again. I never know when it will happen.
I want to hear Trenton say, "Mom." I want Trenton to tell me what he wants to eat. I want Trenton to tell me he loves me. I want Trenton to play with toys. I want Trenton to smile and be excited over a fun family day together. I want him to be potty trained. I want.....I want....I want.....
I want Andrew to be able to communicate better. I want Andrew to not suffer from OCD to the degree that it controls his life on certain days. I want Andrew to be able to control his behavior. I want Andrew to understand emotions. I want Andrew to be potty trained. I want...I want..... I want...
So what do you do when you want something so badly that it controls your life? What do you do? What do you do if it means that you have to completely change your life? And that change is the only thing that was left of your dream. The small amount of a dream that you had left because everything else was shattered from autism but the one small thing left was still there. What do you do if the only thing left to help your sons is giving up the small dream left of yours? What do you do?
You give it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God made it clear that you do what you have to for your children and for others.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Christ suffered the horrible death for us. Therefore, I can give up my dream of living in the country in my awesome hometown. My town that showed us more kindness than any other town in the world! I can give up living so close to my family who helped us so much! I can give that up for my boys! The tone was set in the Bible. I can do this!!!!!!
It's not easy. I still cry everyday and I will for awhile. My faith has got me through it. Reading the words of the Bible have helped me get through this difficult time.
It will always be difficult! It's awful to see my boys suffer daily. It's torture to see them cry to go home. It's a living nightmare!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in pain watching my boys want to go "home." But, we are use to pain in our life. We suffer pain everyday.
We will get through this. I appreciate the prayers and love that I have received during this time from many of you.
A good friend told me the other day that she read once that this life is the closest a Christian will ever come to Hell and the closest a non-believer would ever come to Heaven. How true is that!!!