Monday, January 26, 2015

Inferno

This past weekend felt like the inferno.  It felt like we were trapped in a situation that just kept on getting worse and worse. It was one of those times I just stopped and asked myself, "Am I getting Punk'd?"
 I will not bore you with every tiny detail. I do, however, wish I had someone video taping the whole entire weekend. ...talk about some good education on life with autism.....that video would have been it.

It's one thing for me to post about all the great accomplishments the boys are doing these days. But let me tell you something, those successes are much fewer than the "reality" of living with autism. On most days I could have 20 different topics that I could blog about. But, I don't! I pick one and post about that topic with maybe a few side things here and there. At the end of the day after I publish my post, I almost always second guess if I chose the correct things to "educate" the world on.  On some days I can't choose. All 20 plus outlandish things that happened in our day were blog worthy. In the end, I try to blog about what I might want to remember years from now.

Like I mentioned earlier, I won't give you every detail of the weekend. If I did, I think it would turn into my longest post ever. To give you the quick run through the weekend was like this....a sick mommy who thought she was getting over the flu but wasn't....she only got sicker as the weekend went on....then she got a bladder infection...could not take care of her children she was so sick....was going on NO sleep for a week straight.... ended up going to the ER to get some quick relief of her bladder pain so I could get my boys to Harsha on Monday morning. Now, why do I want to post about my sickness? Well, its not to tell you how awful the flu is this year because if you have had it, you already know that. It's not sympathy....that is no where close to my intentions of my blog. That is not my personality. Instead,  my intentions are the same thing as this whole entire blog is for and that is to educate you.

To be honest, it hit me this weekend and it hit me hard! I wasn't just hit by the flu bug and the bladder infection pest. I was hit with a huge reality check. A check that wasn't wrote out for a thousand dollars but instead it was wrote out for a thousand fact! THE FACTS THAT AUTISM LEAVES!

I have heard my mother say several times in her life that its just not awful to have sick children but its awful when your sick as a mother. She is right! There is a good hand full of people who read my blog who are mothers. Many of you are special needs moms, and many of you are moms to neurotypical children. I am sure the mothers to neurotypical children would say that it is hard to take care of your children when you yourself are very sick. Mothers are not suppose to be sick. We are have our innocent children to take care of. My mother said she would tell my older brother that she was sick and to watch me and my younger brother while she rested on the couch. I am sure that is what most mothers do with their neurotypical children. But what do autism moms do?!? We can't do this? If we did this, one or both of our children would end up dead or severely injured.

I had that reality check last winter when I was sick with pneumonia for two weeks. I had this reality check again this weekend. I literally could not take care of my boys. I tried telling Andrew over and over at 4:30 AM Sunday morning when he was up for the day that Mommy was sick. This meant nothing to him. He laughed at me being sick, he pulled my hair, head butted me, pinched me all over body, climbing all over me, and wanted nothing but my undivided attention. I was doing my best to take care of him because my mother had been up with Trenton the entire night and just went to bed herself at 4 AM. I was crying I was so sick and my child just laughs at me. Earlier in the night I was in bed sick as a dog and all I could hear was Trenton running wildly all over the house making his screeching noises.
I now live in a town where I only know the people at Harsha. I now live in a town with no family to help us. That's scary!

As I was laying on the couch Sunday morning feeling half dead and half alive, I watched my boys as Nana, Pop, and Daddy (before he left for work) chased after them. I saw the tiredness in my parents faces. I saw the stress in their bodies. I watched my boys run past me not caring that their Mommy didn't feel good. I watch Trenton take off his clothes and run around the house naked which is a normal occurrence in our household the past month. I watched Andrew go in panic mode when Trenton touched his kindle fire he was playing on. I watched Andrew NOT play with toys. I watched Trenton climb up on every household furniture item he could and jump to the floor. I heard Trenton climb up the refrigerator and open the juice and dump it out. I heard egg after egg being cracked open by Trenton's hands. I saw a perfectly clean house go to a house that looked like a tornado struck in less than 30 min. I watched as Trenton tried to express what he wanted and no one could figure it out. I heard Nana try to take out two DVDs that Trenton had crammed into a DVD player and got stuck. I watched my mother clean up pee from the floor, poop from the floor, and  huge food messes from the floor. (So much more but you just had to be there to witness.) Three adults couldn't keep up with my two boys with autism. How do I keep up with them all the time by myself?

The list of what I saw and heard was sad! Nothing but sad.

In the middle of all the madness, I burst into tears. The reality check had just been handed to me. This is my life....this is my children's life...this is my whole entire family's life! This is my life! I am so busy helping the boys and advocating for them that on some days  the reality of what our life is doesn't sink in. It sank in deep when I actually had a moment to take a step back and witness it.

What I wanted more than anything is for Trenton to hug me and say, " I hope you feel better soon Mom." That was all I wanted this weekend. It would have been nice to have received it from Andrew too!

The reality check made me realize how hard I actually do work daily raising my boys.....and I get nothing in return. I do but I don't. I want to experience the "normal" mom returns! I want to experience that more than anything in this world. I want to experience the feeling of watching my child marry the love of their life and knowing as a mother I raised him to be the best, honest, God-loving, trustworthy man that knows how to treat a woman right. On Sunday in my hour of weakness, I cried out to my mother, "What am I doing? Raising my child so maybe he don't have to live in a home one day but instead he can live with me forever?" I want my child to run up and hug me! I don't want it to be a once every 6 month occurrence.  I want a happy marriage. I do realize I keep that part hidden from this blog but lets me honest here....statistics say 60-85 % of marriages end in divorce that are raising a child with autism. With that said, the reality check hit me on Sunday too when I was so sick that I not only have children that aren't normal but I don't have a normal happy marriage by no means.

I read a post by an autism mom today and she was blogging about how her child with autism brought her and her husband closer. I have nothing but envy for this couple and applaud them deeply! They say death, sicknesses or disabilities in children either brings a marriage closer or farther apart.

I had lots of other thoughts on Sunday but maybe those will come out in another post. I had so many thoughts that I think it impacted my ability to actually dream. I use to always remember my dreams but that was back in the day where I actually got to sleep. However, I dreamed on Sunday night and it was the best dream I had in a long time. I am not going to lie, I thought about my dream all day. In my dream I had the "normal" mother experience and the "normal" love felt marriage. All I can say is that it was incredible!








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