Today was one of those days where if I could have ran away, I would have. I would have ran away from the pain and heartache.
Today was one of those days that if I had magical powers, I would have freed Trenton of his autism and make his life so much easier.
Today was one of those days that I fought back tears all day. My heart was shattered from the hell that Trenton went through this morning. My eyes were in pain from watching him suffer.My body was broken and nothing could mend it back together.
Something has been bothering Trenton off and on lately. In fact, he has had random moments like this for the past two weeks. (see previous post on pedaling.) Trenton is in a very "clear" stage at the moment. His sensory needs are lower at the present time, therefore it clears his mind up a little. Basically, he is more aware of things right now. Unfortunately, he is smart enough to know that he can't do some things and it upsets him.
First, Trenton was extremely difficult to get dressed this morning. He does not like changing clothes lately. However, the hard part is that he does not like to change his diaper. When I start to put a new diaper on him he hits at me and says, "no". This morning he walked around our house naked for one hour until I finally was able to put a diaper and clothes on him. The first 25 minutes he simply walked around the house naked, hitting at me every time I tried to put a diaper on him. After 25 minutes, he starts crying his big, crocodile tears. He had a huge frown on his face and he cried profusely. After a few minutes of that, he went into a meltdown on top of the stairs. Sometimes I think he realizes that he still has to be dressed and is not potty trained.
Honestly, I don't even know what to type on this blog post. Nothing I type can put into words how I felt watching my naked son with autism cry profusely while trying to say something. He was trying to communicate something to me. He knew exactly what he wanted but just could not communicate it to me. His frustrations grew stronger. His cries grew louder. My anxiety went sky rocket high. I was from 7:02 AM to 7:58 AM trying to manage naked Trenton while Andrew was on my hip pretending to cry because Trenton was and wanting my undivided attention. Needless to say, I was broken mentally and physically from the start of our day, just like Trenton was.
I went on about my day and made the best of it with Andrew. However, my heart was with Trenton all day. Watching him battle his battles everyday motivates me more and more to be his best advocate. After all, as bad as I know I hurt, he hurts worse.
In the end, Trenton showed me tonight that we were going to be alright. He showed me love! He knows I am always there each step of the way with him. Tonight, God granted me the blessing of having Trenton curl up on me to go to sleep. I have posted the picture below. I know I look like one ugly, pale, tired Mom in this picture. I am! I think I need to post this picture outside and it would scare away any type of critter that would even think of sneaking into my house. The point is....I really don't care what I look like. The picture means the world to me because moments like this is so few and far between.
That is what he says when he sees me without makeup.