Have you ever got a song stuck in your head and you can't get it out? It drive you nuts, right?
Well, I can't get the image of Trenton out of my head from Saturday. Not the meltdown at the park but the meltdown before he went to bed Saturday evening. It is haunting me and will not go away.
His meltdown was so disturbing. Sad to watch. Gut wrenching. It left me feeling as nauseated as some pregnant women get....only my nauseated feeling was from torment.
What is the most heartbreaking of all, was that in the middle of his meltdown he shouted, "sorry" three times. He was aware of what he was doing but had no control to stop his body. Can you imagine? Can you imagine being trapped in a body where you could not communicate? Try it...I dare you! Try going one whole day without talking and see what you feel like.
Trenton's body was not letting him relax and he was so mad that his body wasn't relaxing because he was so tired. He was beyond frustrated so his only way of communicating his frustrations was through a meltdown.....which is crying, screaming, hitting himself, hitting others, kicking others, kicking anything that is in his way. He had no control of his actions.
Carly Fleischmann described that feeling as ants crawling all over her body with her legs on fire. This is what she says it would feel like to us. Can you imagine? Just picture yourself with millions of ants crawling on you and they wont' get off while your legs are on fire. How would you feel? Would you get frustrated? Would you cry? Would you scream? Would you hit?
Now picture your child having that feeling? What would you do? You would have the instant parental instinct of wanting to help your child, am I right? You would brush all the ants off. You would put out the fire. Then you would hug and kiss your child and let them know that it is going to be ok.
Well, I can't do that. I can't make that feeling go away for Trenton. I can't hug him because he won't let me. He may let me kiss him but its nothing like a neurotypical child kiss because he pushed me away right away.
I have a child with such severe sensory needs that I can't help him. It is one of the most painful things to go through. No one wants to feel helpless when it comes to their children. I and many other parents of children with severe autism feel helpless. It doesn't matter if we have accepted our child's life and our new life, we still feel helpless and alone. We are tortured with pain everyday but we become real good at hiding our pain to others.