Friday, May 1, 2015


Today was one of those days where I could have stayed home the entire day because the amount of sleep that I have got this week is what most people get in one or two nights.
Andrew is feeling better and has been home for a good part of the week. After we dropped Trenton off at Harsha we came home and I had plans to work on our filthy house.( Words can't describe how terrible this week has been with Trenton up almost every night. His wild night tactics are nothing but  destructive to the house.) However, Andrew does not let me get anything done. He will not play by himself. Not even for 30 seconds! After a few hours of battling him and trying to clean, I said that is enough! We need out of this house and Andrew needs to do something.
One area that is really hard since our move to Terre Haute is that Nana's house is not close by anymore. We have nowhere to go for a different environment and different toys. This week Andrew has asked to go to Nana's house several times and it breaks my heart.

Anyway, Andrew and I left mid  morning and we had a mission to discover more of Terre Haute. The first place we discovered was Deming Park. This is a beautiful park! We both loved it! I realized right off the bat that it would be impossible to take Trenton there. As Andrew was having a ball and I was enjoying watching him smile and play, I could not help but think of everything that Trenton is missing out in life due to his disability. Soon after I went in deep thought about Trenton and the park I noticed a school bus pull up. A few minutes later a class of Kindergartners got off the bus along with their teacher and chaperones who were most likely mothers and fathers. In the blink of an eye I found myself on a very emotional rollercoaster.

I was instantly jealous of the mothers and fathers. That should be Trenton next year entering in Kindergarten! That should be me chaperoning his field trip! I want to do that with Trenton!!! But, no, it won't happen!

The class soon took out their lunches and had a picnic. It was adorable to watch how excited they were. I let myself daydream for a few minutes about chaperoning a neurotypical Trenton. My jealously soon turned into grief and I was crying right in the middle of the park while playing with Andrew. All the while, Andrew kept on trying to barge in on the picnic. He kept on saying, "I want to be with my friends, Mommy." The look of sadness out of his eyes while Andrew stood and watched the twenty kids eat and have fun was another sad thing to watch. He loves people so much!

Autism is such an emotional rollercoaster and the pain will always be there. It will never go away, it only gets worse with having a child on the severe end.

After Deming Park Andrew and I had a great lunch outside at Sonic! Then, I took him to another park, Fowler Park. Andrew was all about parks today! Fowler Park was not really a place to take your kids to play. It was just another reminder of a place where I would never be able to take Trenton due to the park having a large pond around it.

After Fowler Park, we went to another park! I told you Andrew was all about parks today! At this park there was a little girl about Andrew's age there. Andrew followed the girl around and did everything the little girl was doing. I am not sure what triggered it but he got really upset and ran to a bench and pouted. I kept asking him what made him so sad and all he would say was that the little girl did. The look in his eyes was pure sadness! Once again, my eyes filled up with tears. Honestly, I think Andrew realized he didn't know how to play with her and it made him sad.

Andrew and I had a fantastic day. Yes it was emotional in a few spots but I am used to that. The hidden pain of autism always creeps in. It is good to grieve...we all need to do it from time to time!

Andrew loved the ducks and geese at Deming Park. Andrew looked at me and said, "Nana and Pops needs ducks."

Going down a slide together!

Eating outside at Sonic!

Fowler Park picture


  1. Awwwww...looks like little "A" had a good time! I wish Nana had been there to share the day with both of you!