There is nothing that hurts worse than seeing your child hurting. Andrew's eyes can speak a thousand words. Yes, Andrew can talk and he talks a lot but his strongest voice is his eyes.
Yesterday, when we were leaving Flora, Andrew had the saddest look in his eyes that I have ever seen. I have seen him cry multiple times because he got hurt or was mad at Trenton but nothing spoke stronger than what I saw yesterday from him. He had the saddest look that I have ever seen.
"No Mommy. I don't want to leave. I want to live in Flora." he cried over and over in the van as we were leaving. "Mommy I want to stay in Flora. I want to stay at Nanas house. No Terre Haute!"
The cries and the look in his eyes are still eating at me today. Unfortunately, that is not the only thing eating at me, its what I had to go through dropping him off this morning at Harsha.
Andrew starts worrying the night before when he knows he has Harsha the next morning. We battle through it at night and when morning comes he says, "Don't make me go to Harsha Mommy. I want to stay home with you."
He chews on his nails during the entire car ride to Harsha. This morning he screamed and refused to go in. Therefore, I took Trenton in first. After Trenton's coach got him, I went out to the van to try to help Andrew's coach get him out of the van. The look he had in his eyes, pulled at every heart string that I have. His anxiety was high and he could not bring himself to go in Harsha. We tried everything that we could. I finally carried him in crying and left him crying and hollering my name.
Out I walked holding back my tears. I know every parent goes through this at one time or another with their children. However, it is knowing the problems that my boys have makes it worse. It eats at me all day long. Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much but if I didn't how would I be able to help my boys? I sure wouldn't be able to help them as much as I do now.
To make matters worse, Trenton has had a rough few days with controlling his anger. The past three days he is back to hitting me, jumping in the air and landing on his knees while making his upset noises. Then he gets up and hits me again. Also, he runs and hits at me while running into me. It has been one month since he has had this behavior and it has been back the past few days.
It is truly amazing how if I just take one behavior away, such as Trenton's meltdowns, how much smoother our days can go. It is astonishing how much easier things are when Trenton has good behavior without any meltdown or tantrums. ABSOLUTEY AMAZING!!!!
I can't express the feeling that I get when I know the behavior is back. My stomach does flips and flops and it is instant frustration deep inside me because just that one trait of autism makes a world of difference in our days.
However, I am so thankful for the days when he does not display the unruly behavior. I am lucky to have breaks from it where he does not display it. I am sure there are people out whose child with autism has that behavior every single day. So yes, I can find the good in the bad...it is what I do!
As of right now, both boys are in bed and I am so thankful for this quiet time. Every time I get to sit and do a post in peace and quiet, it is a true blessing and miracle....especially how rough our last few days have been.....especially since I was not able to even take a five minute break today because the house was pure disgusting and needed some major cleaning. The little time that I get to do cleaning lately has been spent on trying to put a protectant on our fence. ( I am not able to clean, cook, or do ANYTHING when the boys are around or awake. Andrew is attached to my hip and Trenton always needs something.) So my time is precious and every single second counts.
While I was working today and thinking about how rough the past few days have been, I really thought how nice it would be to be able to de-stress with my spouse. If I could change anything about my life it would not be the boys, it would be my marriage. Sadly, my spouse and I have went down two different roads since our journey of special needs started. We fall in the 80% category where the marriage falls apart. I went down the road of being actively involved with the boys and their special needs and my husband went down the road that separated himself from their special needs. I refrain from talking about that part of my life on this blog out of respect to some people. However, I can't help but spend time in deep thought of how easier our life could be if my husband still believed in God like I do and believed in his plan. I say it that way because if we believe then we "do the work" and there is much work to be done with our type of life. There is good and things to be thankful in every situation. Even the past few days with how awful they have been, there has been good.