Monday, August 31, 2015

I know you are in there Trenton!

I picked Trenton up this morning from Harsha because he had diarrhea. I am not sure why he had diarrhea. He used to have it every day which can be fairly common with kids with autism. It is called "the leaky gut." So did he have it because he was feeling a little under the weather? I don't know. Did he have it due to an increase in his medicine? Again, I don't know. Was it something he ate or drank? Don't know! I don't know because Trenton can't tell me.

When Trenton and Andrew were babies, I hated the fact when they were sick because they couldn't tell me. Babies can't speak! I have heard many mothers say the same thing, " It's terrible when they are sick as babies because they can't tell me." I have heard that so many times. I agree! But what is worse is when your child is 5 years old and still can't tell you. A five year old is more aware than a baby and gets frustrated. What will be worse is when he is a teenager and a grown man and still can't tell me.

My mom and I read lots of books on autism. It better educates myself and prepares for what lies ahead. I just happen to be talking to my mom today and she was telling me about the book she is reading now. The book is about a non-verbal girl with autism. She was able to relay to her parents, much like Carly F. in Carly's Voice, about how difficult it was not being able to speak. This young woman spoke of how it was torture to hear everyone speaking around her and not being able to speak or express her thoughts. When my mom was telling me about this I had to work hard to not vomit. Not because I was sick but because how saddening it is to me how individuals with moderate to severe autism suffer and one of those is my own son. Then it further upsets me that there are so many people who are blessed beyond belief but have probably never thanked God for their blessings.

Trenton's doctor doubled his medication and we started that over the weekend. Trenton's body got use to the dose that he was on and it was not helping him anymore. Therefore, the new dosage seems to be helping so far. Trenton seems to be a lot calmer and more mellowed out. When Trenton has days where he seems to be more mellowed out, I can tell that he is more aware of his surroundings and seems to show more emotion

I was admiring Trenton for a few minutes tonight while he was watching one of his Baby Einstein dvds. I was thinking about how amazing he is and how I wish his life was different. I knelt down by him and said, "Trenton. I know you can understand me. I want you to know that I wish things were easier for you. I wish you could talk to me and tell me what you think all the time. If I could take it away, I would. I wish I could give you my voice. I wish it was me that had to suffer instead of you." Then, I noticed two tears drop from his eyes. His face started to quiver like he was going to break down in tears. His eyes kept on watering and I continued to talk to him crying, "Trenton, it's okay to cry. Mommy cries for you everyday. You are my hero. I am by your side each step of the way to help you. I know you are in there and I am doing my best to help you." Just then two more tears rolled down his face. Andrew walked in and said, "Mommy are you sad cause Trenton can't talk?" I looked at Andrew and said, "Yes. Mommy is sad."

In that moment, I know with all of my heart that Trenton knew what I was saying and he understood. He knows I help him fight his battle every day. This is an example without a doubt that we all have a soul deep inside and that our body is just our shell. Trenton's soul is locked inside his body due to his disability. His life will be very difficult here on earth but his soul will be free one day in eternity with the Lord!

It was an amazing moment with Trenton. His tears expressed how sad he was that his life is the way it is. His tears were his way of expressing to me how he felt. It was the first time ever with Trenton that I felt a deep connection. A very deep connection!


  1. I have tried to post a comment three times. I give up. I can't put what I feel into words!!! I will simply say this...NANA LOVES YOU, TRENTON!!! ..and if love could just give you a voice.........then you could surely talk volumes!!!

  2. I have read your blog for a while now and have never commented. My family is not affected by autism, but it interests me very much. This post touched my heart so deeply. Your love and dedication to your sons is so inspiring. You are an amazing mom and your sons are so very lucky to have you fighting in the trenches with them. I pray that Trenton finds his voice some day.

  3. You are a fantastic mother and person. You are a true inspiration to so many. You have touched my life in so many ways. If only more mothers and fathers were like you the world would be a better place.