I'm sitting in public right now crying. It's not the first and we all know it is not the last.
It's the silent tears that are flowing down my checks and as always the tears are not for me. They are for Trenton.
I've seen a big jump in the way Trenton comprehends language, the world, and everything in it. He understands so much when his body allows him to. On some days he can comprehend life much better than others. It all depends on his modulated sensory processing disorder. A few years ago we were still wondering if he understood anything and now he can understand so much. It is simply amazing! However, this comes with heartache. A lot of heartache and let me tell you why...
Trenton knows there is a world and he knows he can't handle it. He knows and realizes when he can't do things. The hurt in his eyes....the tears he cries...the sadness that overcomes him breaks my heart and rips my soul to the core. There isn't much more that can hurt a parent than to see your child suffer.
I've seen the sadness a lot lately with Trenton. I've seen his huge crocodile tears flow down his face while he looks me directly in my eye and tries to talk. He may not be able to utter the words from his mouth but his eyes speak enough. I know exactly what he is saying and he is hurting and suffering.
I've seen the sadness take over when he sits on a bike and wants to pedal but he can't.
I've seen it come when he has a potty accident. He knows he isn't supposed to pee in his pants but he did and it upsets him.
I've seen it happen when he can't express to me what he wants.
I've seen it happen when he sees things that grab his attention that kids his age are doing.
I've seen it happen when he can't handle a public place, church, and store. He wants so badly to be able to sit quietly and to sit still in a pew at church but he can't. He has to make noises....he has to move his body...and between what his body needs and all the noise and lights filtering into his body from every single angle sends him into sensory overload so we leave because he goes into a meltdown. However, the meltdown stops and the sadness takes over a few minutes later after we leave because he is disappointed in himself. He wants so badly to be like YOU and ME!
When the sadness takes over I have tried to take him back in to church or the store but his anxiety takes over and he goes into a meltdown again. Sometimes he will cry his sad tears and be upset with himself for a while and at other times I can get him out of his sad mood rather quickly. It just depends. One way or the other, it is heartbreaking to witness, especially when it is your child.
There are obviously many things that come with autism that are hard. As I watch Trenton get older, this is one area that is getting harder as a parent and for him. It is one story when you are "different" and don't know that you are. However, even individuals with severe autism can know that they are different and that takes things up to a whole other level. Like I said above, it is not every day that Trenton does this. There are many days when Trenton's autism doesn't allow him to realize that he is different but there are days that it does.
Depression and suicide rates are extremely high with individuals with an ASD diagnosis. The rates are much higher for individuals like Andrew who are high functioning than for Trenton who are severe. This is one reason why the rates are high, they know they are different and they can't handle it.
It doesn't matter how bad it gets, I will always be there for you T-man! Momma walks this journey with you daily. If T-man can't do it...then Momma don't do it! We are in this together!