Monday, September 5, 2016

If Only I Knew Exactly What It Felt Like

Twice this past week, I have been greeted by Trenton running to me with the biggest grin on his face. Goosebumps blanketed my body within seconds. To see his amazing smile light up by seeing my face is breathtaking. It is what every parent wants. Sadly, with autism, parents don't often see this kind of excitement and life in their child's face and eyes. It is more common on the high functioning end. However, with children like Trenton, it can be rare. It does happen and when it does it is such a wonderful, amazing moment. My fuel to help me get through our days is by that moment of life on his face....that moment where he lit up when he saw his Mommy. He lights up everyday when he sees me, I can see it and I know his looks and what they mean. I know that look his gives me through the corner of his eyes while his lips slightly move.....that is his expression of love and excitement to see me:)  But, it is nothing like what he has shown me twice this week. I can't get it out of my mind! I am going to sleep thinking about those moments. I take my runs thinking about those moments. I do everything while reliving those moments.

If my boys were neurotypical, moments like that would be taken for granted. It wouldn't be so special. I am confident I would smile and enjoy the moment but nothing like I do now. Those moments make all the difficult times a little bit easier to get through.  Just the other day, I was having a hard time with Trenton. He was making his upset noises and having a typical meltdown that would not stop. It continued for a good half hour like they usually do.  I'm not exactly sure what triggered the meltdown, I have a few guesses. Nonetheless, the whole time he was having his meltdown, I kept picturing the good times that we have had lately. The amazing moments that we are blessed with is what helps me get through the rough patches.

I often wonder what he feels like during meltdowns. I can watch all the videos that have been published to help neurotypical people know what it feels like but that is normally just a few minutes long. It is nothing like being in his body and living it every single day. Oh I would just give anything and everything to be in his body to know what it is like. I wish I knew what it was like when his body allows him those rare moments to express emotion. What does that feel like for him? What does it feel like to be trapped in a body 24/7 with no way to express anything?
When I say I would give up everything to trade places with him, I would in a heartbeat!! If only I really could!

At the end of the day, I may never be able to trade spots with him. I will never be able to know what it is like to live in his body. I won't be able to get in his head and understand his challenges.  But, at the end of the day, I can tell you about what it feels like to watch your child suffer from daily challenges. I can tell you all about the unconditional love and bond that I have with my boys. I can tell you all about sacrificing, strength, courage, perseverance, determination, and much more. 
I can tell you all about the ups and downs of autism. I can tell you all about the beauty that I see every single day.

The pictures below captured some of the beauty that I got to witness the past few days. I love to watch Trenton play outside, especially when running and water is involved. On his good days and when his body lets him, he will just smile and laugh. It is so beautiful to watch. SO BEAUTIFUL!!

Both boys  love and miss Nana and Pops farm. Trenton started clapping and making his excited noises Friday when we pulled up to Nana and Pops house. (Our first house where we lived before TH is next door to Nana and Pops house)  I just know when our life takes us back there, that the boys will be so happy.
When we leave there if Andrew does not cry half way back to TH, he is talking to me about how much he wants to live in Flora in the grey house like we used to. (I will talk about this in another post)

1 comment:

  1. Andrew is usually not the only one in tears!!😢