Thursday, March 31, 2016

Blue Nails

I never get my nails done. I can count on one hand the times in my life where I have had my fingernails polished. It just doesn't happen. The times that I can count have been the most recent years because I normally get something done for April, autism awareness month.

I got my nails done today with another fellow Harsha mom. We got blue nails with a puzzle piece on two fingers:)
Both of my boys noticed right away. Andrew was obsessed with them. At first Andrew said, "Take it off Mom. I don't like it. You don't color your nails." It's exactly how I expected him to react....I don't polish my nails and Andrew is a boy of routine and sameness.

Later in the night he said, "Why did you do blue?"
I said, "In April we wear the color blue."
Andrew said, "Blue is my favorite color so I guess it is okay, Mom but I still don't like them."

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Andrew

I've started recording some of the things the boys say and do daily for just me to read. However, a few things are worth sharing for everyone.

Today, Andrew did something he should not have done and it cost me money. I wasn't happy. I talked to him about what he did wrong and what to do next time, etc. I could tell he was really taking it all in. I could tell in his eyes that he was very sorry for what he did. After our talk I just figured the situation was over. Oh no was I wrong!

After hearing for about the  50th time, "I'm sorry Mommy. Do you forgive me?", he busted out in tears. He says crying uncontrollably, "Now I can't go to heaven cause I did something bad but I want to go to heaven."

I reassured him that he was going to go to heaven:) After a few minutes, I guess he finally believed me because he hopped on my lap and I got kisses repeatedly on my checks for a good minute. He said, "Oh Mommy your the best. I never want to make you or God sad because you and God are always here for me. I don't want to disappoint you again."

Andrew melts my heart every day!! I am so beyond blessed and I know I have expressed that several times but I am! Him and Trenton have made me a much better person and I can't thank my boys enough for that.

As Andrew gets older he is getting very sensitive.....extremely sensitive! This can be a good thing and a bad thing. High functioning kids on the spectrum tend to be sensitive from what I have read and experienced. However, with that comes lots of other issues..........

Sunday, March 27, 2016

March 28th

Tomorrow as in Monday the 28th would have been my wedding anniversary. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like. March 28th was a day that I was suppose to share and treasure with the man that I chose to be my husband.  It was a day that was suppose to be celebrated for the rest of my life. Needless to say this day will always be a huge part of my life and I will always treasure the memories from that day.

There are certain things that stick out in my mind from my wedding day. One of them is the last thing I told my ex when we were leaving the reception. I told him that marriage was hard and we had to remember how happy we are and how in love we are to help us get through the hard times that lie ahead of us.........

A divorce is often described as a death. It's a death of a relationship that was suppose to last forever. In fact, counselors prepare their clients about this.
It's not just the loss of a husband/wife relationship, its the loss of many other family relationships. It is the loss of people that you thought you were going to spend holidays and birthdays with. Divorce takes away family members. It simply takes a lot away....it is the end of not just one dream but many dreams.
Needless to say, it is a very hard process to work though.
I have spoken to a few people who are divorced and many of them say that they always feel different, sad, down, etc on the anniversary of their weddings....I completely understand what they are saying.

Faith

Special needs parents have to hold on to faith. Faith is “the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1)

It is hard but we have to hold on to faith to get us through our journey in life. We have to have faith in God and his plan or you will never see the beauty of your amazing life that God blessed you with.
Just like you, my life didn't turn out like I thought it would. Whose does?  However, my faith is getting me through it. I know without a doubt that God knew what I needed and it was autism.
A perfect example of having faith in God and how your life turned out is Sarah, Abraham's wife. Sarah was well beyond the childbearing years, yet she bore Isaac just as God had said. She judged God to be faithful in what He had promised. Sarah didn't think she could have a child her age but she did. She had faith. She trusted God. What a great example! Thank you Sarah for having such wonderful faith. You inspire me to have all the faith that I need to get though this life and make the most of it. I have been so blessed with this unexpected life and I wouldn't want my life any other way than the way God planned.

Some days I don't think I can get through my day but I can. I just have to step back and remember the amazing words that God gave us and my faith is re-energized!!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

To the lady at the grocery store

A letter to the lady who judged me and my son today.....

Ma'am:

It just so happened today that we found ourselves at the exact same location at the exact same time today. I'm not sure I will ever run into you again. I highly doubt that you will ever come across this letter but I would like to share a few things with you.

Just out of curiosity, do you like it when people are rude to you? I am fairly confident that many people do not enjoy receiving rude comments and looks. I don't like receiving rude comments and looks from people who do not know me or know what the story is behind the situation.

I'm sure you were not able to tell today but my son that I had with me in the grocery store actually has mild autism. Have you ever heard of autism? Are you very familiar with hidden disabilities such as mental illnesses and all the disabilities such as autism?

Autism is a disability that affects behavior, communication, socialization, and our senses.  My son that I had with me today faces challenges with these areas. Although his challenges are mild, they are challenges.

I didn't appreciate the way you looked at my child today. I did not appreciate the way you rolled your eyes at him. I did not appreciate your ever so rude comment to me as you walked past us. Was that really necessary? Even if my child was completely neuro-typical, is it necessary to say something like that to anyone that you do not know.

No one knows what another persons goes through daily. I don't know what you have gone through in your life.  Is it really necessary that we "judge" another person and make comments like what you said to me today because you thought my child was just acting out.

I'm not blaming you for thinking that my child was just an undisciplined brat and that I was a lazy parent who didn't discipline her child. However, that could not be farther from the truth.

I would just like to nicely ask you that the next time you want to make a comment to a mother and her child like you did to me that you would think twice before you do. After all, that child just might have a hidden disability that you don't know.

Sadly, I never have the comfort of going out in public without knowing that there is a likelihood that I will receive some kind of look, comment, glare, etc from someone.  Would you like that?

All in all, it is okay. I just have the constant reminder that people really need to be educated on autism. I will never stop educating and raising awareness because of people like you. I don't want anyone to have to go through what my boys and I have. I should be able to take my children out in public without them having to face the harsh judgments and comments from the general public. If I can help make a difference, then I will continue to do so.

May God bless you all the days of your life.  I'd be more than happy to do my best to explain autism to you any time that you want.

Sincerely,
A Warrior Mom

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Stickerkid.com

I wanted to share a few personalized items that I got from Stickerkid.com
The first picture is stickers that I put in Trenton's shoes. It's just one way that I can make sure people are aware that he has severe autism and my phone number in case he wanders off or is ever in a situation.
The below picture is personalized wristbands. I know that Trenton will never wear a wristband. I did not order these for that intention. However, I thought I could always put the wristband around his pant loop. The wristband states that he is non-verbal with autism and has my phone number.

A parent of a non-verbal child who has autism can not prepare enough for the "what if" situations. I am trying to make sure I am prepared in every way possible.
If you are interested in purchasing these stickers or the many other stickers that Stickerkid.com has, please click on the link on the right side of my blog.

 I can also offer you a 5 % discount. Please use this code....  US19PA5585 ...when checking out.

Carrie Cariello's Article

There are many parents in this world that have turned to writing to help spread awareness of what autism can do to a person and a family.  I often don't post other articles on my blog. Instead I share them on my FB blog. However, I wanted to share this article. I am getting ready to read this family's book. I am excited to read her book.

http://carriecariello.com/2016/03/21/autism-and-marriage/

Writing is a great way to let others know that there are other people who are walking the same journey that you are. In the past week I have received 3 messages from 3 different parents from 3 different parts of United States. ( I receive messages monthly) All three were absolutely thrilled to have found my blog. I let them know that they are not the only one battling all the issues that go along with autism. Needless to say, I feel the same way when I find articles that I relate to!

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Peekaboo Animals

I received lots of mands very early Monday morning playing with Trenton. Do you like his creation with his peekaboo animals?

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Haircut

Haircuts are very difficult for Trenton. It was another area where we have had to hold him down. The meltdowns slowly turned into tantrums. Now I can say that he just stands there and lets me cut his hair while he cries. I am so proud of him!!!

He loves his cut so much he has really enjoyed looking at himself in the mirror lately!! I love it!








Saturday, March 19, 2016

Hyperactivity

We are working through a medicine change right now with Trenton.  Until we get the right dosage figured out, Trenton's hyperactivity and impulse behavior is through the roof! I just felt so bad for him today. He wanted to stop moving but he couldn't. Several times today he got in our rifton chair all by himself and put the tray on. It was his way of trying to keep his body still. He also wanted a car ride. He went out to the garage, sat in his car seat and tried to buckle himself up. Once again, this was his way of trying to stop his body from the non-stop movement that it required.

Some individuals on the spectrum have the need to move a lot, just like Trenton.  Trenton is almost always in motion. His doctor and I are trying to find the right medicine to help him with this.
I often think back to when I taught and student taught. Several of my kids on the spectrum would pace back and forth in the classroom the majority of the day. Can you imagine? Can you imagine living in a body where you have to move constantly? Today was one of those days where Trenton ran all day...he had to be watched with a close eye or he was on top of the kitchen counter or climbing up a dresser.
 There are so many things that are just simply heart breaking with autism. It makes me beyond blessed to have been granted a body without a disability. However, if I could I would trade Trenton in a heartbeat! One of the worst things in life is to watch your child fight challenges daily.

 I love this picture! He even wanted my owl mug with his animals "eating" his pizza.

The Life that Built Me

Here is a link to an article of mine that was published on Autismawareness.com approximately one week ago:)

https://autismawareness.com/the-life-that-built-me/

The Mighty

The below is a link to one of my articles that was published on The Mighty this week.

http://themighty.com/2016/03/the-question-i-kept-asking-myself-after-my-sons-autism-diagnosis/

Thursday, March 17, 2016

St. Patty's Day

We hope you had a good St. Patrick's day! We sure did:)



Reply to Comment about Doctor

I received the following as a comment to my post from Sunday night about my experience taking Trenton to the doctor....

Please excuse my ignorance but I have a couple questions. When you were holding him down, do you think the doctor would have been able to effectively look in his ears? If not, what would you have expected the doctor to do? It may have been a safely issue where the doctor thought he would hurt your son's ear unnecessarily if he tried to examine him. I'm honestly just curious. Thank you, please don't take any offense, and I am not excusing the doctor' behavior.

This is what I have to say in response......

Yes, the doctors would have been able to effectively look in his ears. Doctors have been doing it for
5 1/2 years. In fact they have been giving him shots, drawing his blood, looking in his throat, looking in his ears, looking in his nose with a wire pushed up through his nose to look at his adenoids all while being held down.  I think if a health care professional can draw blood from a small vein while Trenton is having a meltdown, a doctor can examine him while having a meltdown.

An experienced doctor, especially an urgent care doctor, should be fully equipped and ready to examine every person that walks through his door no matter what. Special education teachers get trained on the proper hold of a special needs child in a meltdown. Surely people in the health care profession can get trained on that too?!?!?

Trenton can't help that his body responds to situations like it does. Can a woman who is in labor help from moaning and groaning in pain? I can't imagine a doctor or nurse saying, "When you are done moaning and screaming I will deliver your baby.
Imagine a deaf person walking to a clinic using sign language and the doctor doesn't know sign language. Do we expect the doctor to say, "When you can talk to me I will examine you."
I can list all kinds of scenarios here...... point being, there is no difference. A doctor shouldn't tell me that when Trenton can stop having a meltdown that he will examine him. So unprofessional! To me, it is discrimination! He looked at Trenton as if he was a monster. Do you know how bad that hurts?!?! Would you like a professional doing that to your child?

If a doctor thinks he will hurt a child's ear, then he shouldn't be a doctor! He obviously isn't trained good enough to be practicing as a doctor. Doctors should be ready to go for whatever walks through their door, especially at an urgent care. Not everyone is able to have neurotypical, quiet children.

So to the person who asked these questions, no offense taken. You just really informed me on how uneducated people really are. I am assuming you don't have a child with one darn thing wrong with them. I am assuming you have never had to stand up for your child daily against people who are so clueless!

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Dave

Our hearts are breaking here at Two Brothers One Journey today. An extraordinary person from my hometown, Flora, who had a huge impact on my family passed away today unexpectedly.  Dave Billingsley left this world too early.
Many of my Flora readers recall Trenton being the Dairy Queen child on Miracle Treat Day back in 2013.Flora had an amazing tradition that was started by Dave and Melissa Billingsley, owners of the Flora Dairy Queen. Every year the Billingsley's chose a child who had special needs, cancer, or some type of illness and they sponsored the child for the day and raised money for the child and their family to apply to medical expenses, therapy, or whatever the needs were of the family.

 Dave & Melissa put in many long, hard working hours for the child they sponsored. Not only did they raise money for the child but they matched what they raised out of their own personal money and gave to the family.
Dave & Melissa was an answered prayer for me back in 2013. Because of them, Trenton was able to continue therapy at a time when I wasn't certain if we were going to be able to because of the expense and trouble with insurance that I was having at that time.
 They worked so hard to make their "Miracle Treat Day" a success for Trenton and I will always be so grateful to them. It was the beginning of a very special relationship between me and Dave & Melissa. Not only are they so dear to my heart for what they did for Trenton but I know they are very special to all the other families that they sponsored over the past few years.

There are just certain people that come into your life that really leave a mark. Dave was one of those people.  I will always be so grateful for what he did for Trenton and my family. For as long as I live I will never forget him and his generosity and kind, loving heart.

In fact, the very first time that I ever talked publicly about autism  was with Dave. He and I were on the radio in Flora the week following the Miracle Treat day to talk about the successful day. I talked in the beginning of the interview about autism and he followed up with what he and his employees did to make the day a success.
Needless to say, I am very sadden by the news.

I have been very blessed to have had others that raised money for my boys so they could get the therapy they needed. Dave was the first one to do something for Trenton and it meant more than I can even begin to put in words.
My prayers and thoughts are with Dave and his family.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

He Messed With The Wrong Mom!

I had a first today. In fact, my blood is still boiling. My heart palpitations haven't stopped since the incident happened.  To top it off, I am in complete shock and dismayed how a highly educated person in our society who works in a very respected profession can be so ignorant and treat my child with a severe disability like he is a highly contagious person with a life threatening disease. I will not let anyone treat me or my children the way we were treated today and get away with it.
I have watched my son have a horrible 60 plus hours due to his severe disability. I have watched him suffer......I have watched him cry.......I have seen his self injurious behavior be at its worst......I have been scratched at, pinched at, attacked at by my own son.....I have seen a glimpse of Hell on Earth that most people, sadly some closest to us, who would not fathom or straight up not believe me when I would try to tell them how the past few days have been because so many people are this is uneducated doctor that I came across today and "judge" people with hidden disabilities.

Due to my son's horrible behavior, I decided to take him to an urgent care to make sure that his two ear infections that he has had in the past 4 weeks were finally cleared up. What other option do I have?!?!? I have watched him try to pull his ears off the past 24 hours, I have seen him scream blood curdling screams while digging at his ears as if he had something crawling around in his head.  I was afraid of my own son!  It's not like he can tell me what is wrong with him.

Yes, it could be that his modulation with his sensory system is very hyper right now and that he can hear everything from a two mile radius. Or it could be that he has an ear infection......or it could be that he is just so fed up with his body and not being able to speak that he is just simply starting to display some very bad self injurious behavior.....it could be lots of " could be".
When your child is non verbal with severe autism, you NEVER know what is wrong! You just have to take a guess. So I decided to take him to the urgent care since he has had 2 ear infections in 4 weeks.

Needless to say since he had a bad weekend, our experience in there was nothing short of a scene from the Twilight Zone. It was just me and my two boys. I had no other choice....just a huge down side of living in a town with no family. However, I will brave and do anything for my children.
From the minute we walked in, Trenton screamed and cried. We had a 45 minute wait in the waiting room. He ran out the door one time, tripped me completely down to the ground twice due to his enormous autistic adrenaline that he has these days. He was throwing himself down on the ground....trying to climb up the wall screaming......hitting and moving the chairs....hitting me.....it was just terrible. I went through that torture...Trenton went through that torture.....Andrew went through this....just to get back to the room and for the doctor to walk in and look at Trenton as if he was a monster. I tell the doctor everything. The doctor told Trenton that he needed to look in his ear. Trenton is in the corner of the room, screaming, crying, and kicking him. I grabbed Trenton and put him on my lap. I don't think I ever used so much strength with him. I held him down like NO mother should ever have to hold their child down.....just for the doctor to stand up and say, "I can't examine your child like this. You can bring him back when he isn't having a meltdown." and he walked out the room.
My eyes filled up with tears instantly. I just stood there in shock for a minute asking myself if that just really happened. I grabbed my boys' hands and we escaped that piece of crap place without waiting for our discharge paper. A nurse was running after us as we were leaving and I just said, "Oh you will hear from me tomorrow."
Trust me...they will hear from me tomorrow!!! I will not be treated like that nor will my children! My son could not help his behavior today. Just another small reminder why I blog and EDUCATE the world. If a doctor needs to be educated then we are in a world of hurt! I will die educating this world....I can at least do that for my boys sake!

Applied Behavior Therapy

There are a few different types of therapies and ways to help your child with autism. For my boys, Applied Behavior Therapy (ABA) has proven to be the best for them. I am a 100% believer in this type of therapy.

Behavior analysis focuses on the principles that explain how learning takes place. Positive reinforcement is one such principle. When a behavior is followed by some sort of reward, the behavior is more likely to be repeated. Through decades of research, the field of behavior analysis has developed many techniques for increasing useful behaviors and reducing those that may cause harm or interfere with learning.
Applied behavior analysis (ABA) is the use of these techniques and principles to bring about meaningful and positive change in behavior. ABA is widely recognized as an effective therapy for individuals on the autism spectrum.

If I could give any bit of advice to new parents facing an autism diagnosis.....get your child in ABA as soon as you can if it is possible!!

ABA is not simply just sending your child to therapy for the day while you, the parent, go about your business. Parents play a CRUCIAL role in their child's ABA program and how they respond. This is what one website said...

What is the role of the parent in an ABA program?

Parents are indispensable in the child’s program. They play a necessary and critical role.  Studies show that children whose parents are actively engaged in the process make measurable gains (4). First, no one knows the child better than the parent; the parent’s provide critical and insightful information that will help guide the ABA program. Second, parents are able to continue to prompt and reinforce the child through his and her various daily activities - an essential component to generalizing skills. Finally, parents are in a position to be able to record and track ABC data in the home and community setting. This information is vital in hypothesizing the function (the “why”) of specific behaviors as well as for determining what conditions encourage behaviors to occur.

A parents role is extremely crucial!!! Everyone in the house has to be on board or the thousands of dollars each year spent out of pocket isn't going to be as effective and you are only hurting your child.


We are blessed to have an amazing ABA facility that the boys attend. Trenton receives 35 hours per week and Andrew receives 17 hours.

Here is Trenton working with one of the amazing therapist at Harsha Cognitive Center.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Thankful for Challenges

Every single person faces some type of challenge in their life. Some people's difficulties and challenges are health problems...some are martial problems...divorce.....death of a loved one...special needs.....you name it, we all face challenges.  If someone says that they haven't then they are not being truthful.
If you are a faithful follower of this blog, you already know my challenges. None of us were promised a worry-free life. No one was promised a life without difficulties. 

Each and every one of us were given our challenges for a reason. The reason may be to simply see how strong we are....or to see if we are truly a faithful Christian or a weak Christian. Maybe our struggles happened in order to inspire someone else. We don't know exactly why things happen.
I don't know why exactly I was given my challenges. I don't ask why anymore. I did at one time! I asked God "Why" a lot back in 2012-2014.

However, I don't ask that anymore. I came to the realization that God trusted me with two amazing boys with special needs and I couldn't be more grateful  for the overwhelming responsibility.  Yes, I said overwhelming! Does that make me a bad person for admitting that my responsibilities can seem a bit overwhelming at times? Nope! In fact it is natural and we have been given examples of this "overwhelming" feeling. King David's son Solomon took the throne of the nation of Israel and he was overwhelmed by the enormity of the call to rule over God's people. Solomon didn't feel prepared for his task. He could have ran away from his duties God gave him. He could have done a lot but he didn't. He asked for wisdom instead! We are given our life for a reason but it is up to us how we respond to our life? Do we run away from it? Do we give up? Do we have self pity parties every day?  You simply have a choice. You live the life that God granted  you with his help and guidance or you turn your back on it.

Just like Solomon, each and every parent is given a responsibility. A special needs parent is given even more of a responsibility. It is an amazing journey we were blessed with. A journey that will teach you so much.

I couldn't be more thankful for this unexpected journey and unexpected task that I was given in life. I am a much better person today than I was before and I owe it all to my life challenges that God gave me.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Monies

I am at awe each day hearing Trenton say my name! It is such a huge reminder to me that prayers are answered on God's time! What makes it even more special is how he says my name. He says,"Monies"

I just loved opening up his book bag at the end of the day and finding a sweet picture he made me :)

Field Trip

I had an amazing morning with Andrew and his class on their field trip! It was fantastic to see all the other moms and dads there too. This class has an amazing support system.




Monday, March 7, 2016

Who I Run 4

Andrew's runner who he got connected with from the Who I Run 4 organization (www.whoirun4.com),  sent him a gift package a week or two ago. One of the things he got was a medal from one of her races! He thought it was pretty awesome!

Saturday, March 5, 2016

First Public Speaking Event

One of my future goals is to be a public speaker and to advocate for autism, the boys, share our story, share inspirational thoughts, etc . I am so excited to announce that today I did my first public speaking event. I spoke at a Woman's Conference on how to maintain balance in a life full of special needs.

It was amazing to have one of my best friends, Jennifer, there and  she even introduced me!!!  Having her introduce me for my first speaking event made it all that much special.

I admit I shed a few tears telling my story about the boys and the divorce. I did my best to try to hold the tears back but I couldn't. I have done a lot of critiquing myself since my talk. If I could go back I would change a few things up but that is what life is about. We live and learn! It was my first time speaking in public in front of people telling our story and how I keep balance in my life. With that said, I hope I can look back in a few years after more public speaking events and see how far I have come.
It is amazing the path that the Lord is taking me on. It is not how I imagined my life but I am doing my best to turn my life into a positives and to see the good in everything!!!

A special thanks to my parents who went with me to make this possible for the boys and I!

 So proud of Trenton! He held hands and walked in the mall for a short bit!
 The boys were treated to a pool!!


Thursday, March 3, 2016

Rabbits

Remember our baby bunnies I posted about one month ago? Here they are now...

About two weeks ago I walked out to take care of the rabbits for the day and I found 7 more baby bunnies.  I'm not going to lie, I was freaked out! All I had was one female rabbit and her 3 baby bunnnies.....how in the world did 7 newborn babies appear in our cage?!?!?
I called my parents and my dad informed me that a female rabbit can become pregnant within the day of giving birth. My male "romeo" rabbit got our female rabbit pregnant before I took him out of the cage to separate him.  Rabbits are only pregnant for 4 weeks.
 Now we have 7 more cuties....



Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Past few days

I've been asked several times how I got into writing. I never thought I would enjoy writing so much as I do now. Honestly, I got involved in writing and sharing my experience and thoughts for several reasons. The first reason was to express myself. It is not easy dealing with your first born child having a severe disability. I needed to talk about it and my ex-husband was the opposite. He did not want to talk about it. I had no one to talk about it with that was living the daily experience under the same roof. Therefore, I turned to writing. With that said, I guess you can say it turned out to be a blessing every time my ex-husband turned me away because he didn't want to talk about "our" life because writing has opened up many doors for me. Before I knew it, I was getting swamped with people thanking me because they read my blog and they were appreciative of how I was educating them on my boys' hidden disability. With that said, I am going to "talk" on here tonight and it may not be the prettiest post I have ever posted because I need to talk!

My heart has been shattered into a million pieces over the course of the last few years. Nonetheless, what I have witnessed and lived through the past 48 hours, it has shattered my heart even more. My Mommy heart has cried and bled for Trenton. He has had some major issues the last few days.
It all started with a rough night of sleep on Sunday night. However, even though we ran late, we arrived at our destinations and the boys had a good day at Harsha. However, when I picked the boys up Monday afternoon, his coaches told me that he had been crying for the past 15 minutes straight. He was crying saying, "Mommy." ,"Please. Mommy."

I thought Trenton would quit crying but he didn't. He cried all the way till he cried himself to sleep at 8:00ish that night. I had never seen his eyes so swollen before from crying.  I can't even begin to explain what it is like to watch your 5 1/2 year old cry for 4 hours straight!!!! It was beyond nerve-wrecking. I can't imagine what it is like for Trenton. He can't express to me why he was crying. All he can do is cry. CAN YOU IMAGINE????? Seriously, can you imagine? I can't even begin to fathom what it would be like to not being able to express what was going on

He was up by 11:30 that night and cried off and on for the rest of the night. He was crying saying, "Mommy." He would hit himself in the head, hit his legs, shake his legs non-stop and hit his legs again. He did this repeatedly the entire night. I have no doubt that Trenton had some HUGE sensory problems with his body. I think he had the "ant & fire feeling" that was explained by one girl with severe autism. Other kids with severe autism have said that sometimes their bodies feel like knives are stabbing them constantly. Individuals with autism are wired differently than we are. Their brain connections with their bodies are not like a neurotypical person. Their bodies don't feel like ours feel. It comes and goes with Trenton like many kids with severe autism.

Last night was a repeat of Monday night. The only other thing he did Tuesday night that he didn't do Monday night was running into the walls in his room. In the past 48, I can count my sleep on one hand. I can not count how times I have cried on one hand. I can not count how many times my heart has bled and cried on one hand....It has been rough....it has been painful.....it has been excruciating to watch and witness and it is my child!

So, can you see how I don't have any tolerance for people who complain about the simplest things in life?! When I have the slightest bit of self-pity that wants to take over, I don't allow it to. All I have to do is to think  about Trenton and how he has to spend every day of his life and I am instantly fine! Trenton and Andrew are truly my motivators in life. It is very hard to raise two boys with autism, one being severe, as a single mom. However, what I go through is very hard but not as hard as it is for them, especially Trenton.

I would do anything to take away Trenton's trials in life. I wish I could switch bodies with him. Sadly, life isn't that way. It is a hard life. It is a painful life...heartbreaking life....sleep deprived life...a life that is full of endless battles and challenges. Nonetheless, I will continue to stand by my boys and fight for them daily. I am their voice. I am their parent. I am their advocate. I am everything to them and they are everything to me.

Trenton- Hang in there Bubba!! I love you more than words can express. We will get through this and we will be rewarded in the end. Mommy understands you more than anyone and I am here for you always and forever:)