It's 2:45 AM. I am woke up to the heartbreaking cries of my son, Trenton. I know all of his cries and sounds. It wasn't the sensory overload cry nor was it a meltdown cry. It was his cry that something was wrong and he just simply can't communicate.
As my heart strings were being pulled from my heart one by one, I tried my best to figure it out. Not one form of communication that I tried worked. He kept on crying those big, crocodile tears and making his sounds that he makes when he tries so hard to tell me but can't.
As I am fighting back my tears, I ask him while waiting patiently between each question for a response. "Does your belly hurt? Does your teeth hurt? Does your head hurt? Does your legs hurt? Are you just tired and want to go to sleep but you can't so you are mad?
You name it, I am sure I asked it.
"Moochies. Moochies" I hear from the monitor.
Oh No! Andrew is awake now!! I run into his room.
"Andrew. Trenton is awake too and he needs me. Can you try and be a big boy and go back to sleep on your own?" I say hoping for the answer that I want.
"No. I need you too." Andrew says.
Of course he does! He needs his Mom just like Trenton does.
I pick Andrew up out of his bed and I bring him into Trenton's room.
"Andrew you need to just lay here in Trenton's bed on this side. Please be quiet. I will cuddle you back to sleep in here while I am also helping Trenton." I tell him.
" Ok. Moochies. Thank you." I hear his sweet little voice say. On some nights he wouldn't have been so cooperative but he was last night. Thank goodness!
Andrew and I both laid next to Trenton as he continued to cry his sad cry.
I kept telling Trenton we were both there for him and he could just cry as long as he needed. I told him repeatedly I wished it was me and not him that had autism. I made sure he knew that I knew his soul was in there and needed to express himself but just couldn't. I made sure he knew that I was right there wanting it to be different for him.
" If I could make you talk and communicate, I would T-man." I whispered in his ear while the tears roll down. " You just keep on fighting T-man. We are going to give autism the best run for its money that it has ever had. You just have to keep up the fight." I said as I let my tears meet his on the sheets.
I am not sure how long he laid there and cried. It feels like eternity when your child, the one you brought into the world, is laying there with something wrong but you just don't know what it is.
Eventually, he went back to sleep and so did Andrew. Both my babies sleeping one on each side. Both with challenges that I want to so badly to take away from them.
That kind of night is the type of night that I had EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for a few years. Thankfully, Andrew sleeps now for the most part.
When it was all said and done, I let myself go to sleep with one arm on Andrew and one on Trenton. Before I drifted off to sleep, I soaked up the moment.....one day they will be grown men and I know the heartache doesn't get any easier.