Friday, August 18, 2017

Birthday at school

I brought cupcakes into Trenton's class today. He celebrated his birthday early with his classmates. He scarfed down his cupcake and then he wanted to go with Mommy.  

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

I love mom

During speech therapy today,  Trenton did the most amazing thing.  When his therapist asked him to tell her who he loved,  he told her on his device, " I love mom."


We just finished our first set of homework!

Monday, August 14, 2017

What is your giant?

It has been awhile since I have spoke about one of my favorite stories in the Bible. I have many stories in the Bible that are my favorite but the the Story of David and Goliath is one of my top five favorite stories.
It didn't use to be. However, since autism came into my life it has become a favorite.
If you are unfamiliar with the story let me tell you a brief account of the details.

David was a shepherd boy. Goliath was a huge 9 foot giant. Goliath was taunting the sovereign Lord of the universe. He was challenging God's people to stand up to him and demonstrate that their God was more powerful than he was. Until David came into the Israelite camp, there was no one who was willing to step out in faith and face the giant. However, David's faith was so strong that he was willing to believe that the Lord would go with him and enable him to defeat Goliath.

David's faith was from God's grace and mercy in his life up to that point. David had such amazing faith in God that he knew God would help him defeat Goliath.

If you were to look at the two individuals, no one would have ever dreamed about David defeating Goliath. However, he did. David took Goliath down. The giant that no one else had the courage to stand up against.

This story wasn't written for just pure history sake. It was wrote down for our good. We can learn from this story. We can learn that if we serve our God, put our trust and faith in him, he is capable of helping us through our giants in life.

What do you mean? We don't have 9 foot giants? No, but our giants are autism, cancer, sudden loss of a loved one, depression, mistakes in our lives that cost of us many things, financial trouble, doubts, worries, etc. Those are our giants.

The challenges and giants I have had in my life with autism are unthinkable to some people. The challenges and giants you face are unimaginable to me. We all face our own giants.  Some people run away, sadly some have taken their own life, and some have hid from their giants. Those individuals are not trusting God. They aren't putting their faith in God. They are not letting God lead them through it.

Our battles in life will always lead us to victory if we put our trust in God. It may not be the type of earthly victory that you want but it'll be an eternal victory. The Lord test many of us through trials and giants. He does this because he wants us to TRUST him. He wants us to lean on Him. He wants to see if we will respond to Him.

On some days, I question if I can get through my days. When the nights are long from the lack of sleep yet I still have therapy appointments to arrive to on time, insurance calls to make, while meeting the demands of a child with severe autism; I want to fall in doubt. I want to crawl in a hole and just cry! But, I don't. Instead, I speak to the Lord. I open up His word, and I recall many inspirational stories from the Bible, like David and Goliath. I am immediately back on track and ready to fight my giant.

What do you do to fight your giant? Are you a David? Or are you like everyone else and running away from the giant you face daily?

Saturday, August 12, 2017


You can't beat making lemonade and s'mores at ABA therapy at Harsha Autism Center!

Thursday, August 10, 2017


I was singing the other morning while making Andrew breakfast. I can't think of what I was singing at the moment. Anyway, right in the middle of me singing, Andrew says,
"Oh Moochies. You are the best of the best singers I have ever heard."

I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Well, thank you Andrew but Mommy isn't really good. Trust me."

I started singing again.

"Moochies, you can be one of those people on  the radio who sing and make lots of money."

"Oh Andrew. Just wait till you get older and know what good singing really is."

"Moochies. You are the best of the best."

He Is My Heart

“You got this Trenton. Mommy’s heart is always with you.  God is watching over you. I know you can do this. I am so proud of you. I love you, always and forever.” I whispered as I clicked his seatbelt on the school bus for the very first time.

His eyes met mine for a final time; I kissed him and walked off the bus.  My legs felt like dead weight walking back up my driveway as I watched the bus take my son to his first day of school.

 The tears rolled down my face. I felt my breathing get heavy.  I just put my heart on a special bus that will place him in the hands of special people who will work with my special son.

But, he is my heart, my everything. My heart doesn’t beat without him.

I am his voice in this world. The loud, booming, powerful voice that he needs; that’s me, his mom.   The two of us make up one amazing, determined team.

With that said, it wasn’t easy to watch my heart leave me for his new, big adventure.

We have prepared for months for this big day. Even with all the preparation, nothing can prepare a mother for that moment.  Autism and change doesn’t always mix well. Most of the time it makes for a bad combination, especially when no one familiar is around.

The thoughts. The questions. They kept navigating through my mind.

They don’t know my son? They don’t know his noises and what they mean yet?

Will they know his signs and gestures that he does when he needs to potty?

Will they reassure him that it is going to be okay when his anxiety flares up?

They don’t know that when he gets anxious he scratches the back of his head, claps his hands, and squeals.

I hope they understand that he REALLY needs to pace and move.

Oh, I hope they don’t let him escape because he has that capability.

What if he is trying to communicate to them and they can’t understand what he is trying to say? I know all those gestures. His therapist knows them but they don’t and if they don’t he will get upset.

Andrew! I don’t even have time to worry about Andrew on his first day!

 It doesn’t matter what I did, my mind was on my heart and it wasn’t in the same place as I was. My heart was with a whole new team. A team that I am sure we will grow to love and work great with. However, with autism, it is always stressful until we reach that level.
I wanted to be looking in through the window making sure he was okay. I wanted to be a fly on the wall just so I knew he was being taken care of. He can't tell me things. When he is separated from me, he can't tell me the details of his life.

I paced the entire day. I cried. I was a mess until I was reunited with my heart. There is something powerful when the heart and voice are together. We know each other so well. My heart beats in order to be his voice in this world. My heart gives me life through being his advocate, his helper, his cheerleader in this world.

That night as he lay in bed trying to fall asleep, he kept reaching out and touching my hand. He would turn his head to look at me, touch my hand and pat it, and close his eyes while trying to fall asleep. After he finally fell asleep, I cried my final tears for the day. I felt so extra blessed to be his mom. We made it through our first day of school.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I want Mom. 3:30

Trenton has been extra clingy to me the past few weeks and especially this week. I think it is because the big change is tomorrow. I've been working with him on this. His team at HAC has been working with him on this. The big day is tomorrow and I know he knows and is scared. Therefore, he has been having some separation anxiety with me. It breaks my heart. However, on the good side of this he has said my name numerous times  and that always makes me feel good. It is a reassurance of his love!!

Today at HAC, he said..."I want mom 3:30" WOW!!!!! Holy Cow!!! He said that!!! This also tells me that he knows exactly what time I pick him up on Tuesdays and he wanted it to be that time! Today at HAC, he also said, "You go bye, Monies here." He told that to his coach. He also said,   "Mommy's here"
I can't believe it! It has broke my heart and reassured me of his love. Absolutely amazing but not at a good time for our big day tomorrow...

Monday, August 7, 2017

Wednesday, August 2, 2017


Trenton is back in one of his sensory crazing phases. He goes into the bathroom and fills the sink up with water. He dunks his head in the water and splashes water all over my counter if I am not right by him. It is either that or he is standing in the sink!
He can't be left alone for one second! It is exhausting!!

Five Years Later

It has been five years! Five years since the day Trenton was diagnosed with autism. It was a very daunting day. I am sure if you have had anything significant and/or life changing happen in your life, you always remember the "anniversary" each year. Although I knew in my heart before the day he got the diagnosis,  it is just something about that day. It's the day of the official "stamp" of autism. The day that you know for sure that your life is forever changed.

I sometimes can't believe I have made it these five years. On one hand it has gone really fast and on the other hand it seems like it has been fifty years.
Five years ago I was so scared, sad, full of guilt, nervous, sleep deprived, confused, yet I was immediately determined, driven, courageous, and ready to get the ball going on our new life and the new things that we had to do. I have many of the same feelings now, five years later, however, the person I am today is a much better person than I was five years ago.
If I could go back in time and tell myself a few things five years ago, I would say this......

" I know you are tired and scared. I wish I could tell you that it will get better but it doesn't exactly get better. A few things get better but with each improvement in one area normally brings about a new challenge in another area.
Your life is going to be hard. You will lose your old self but you will find a whole new, amazing person inside you that you didn't know was there.
You will find the most remarkable strength. It's the type of strength that you had no idea that you had. You will be the definition of perseverance.  The kind of endurance that only certain people know about.
You will learn how to be a fighter and fight to the end. You will never give up. You will be up countless nights preparing for IEP meetings, preparing for insurance calls, and preparing for all different kinds of appeals that you will have to do in order to get your child the type of respect that he has a right to in the world.
You will be embarrassed by your child's meltdowns. You will be publically embarrassed and find yourself in some of the most unusual situations in public just trying to help your child and to give him a right to live in this world just like everyone else does.
You will be judged and hear the rudest comments from people.
Many won't understand you and they will judge your parenting skills simply because they don't understand your child's autism.
You will stand up for your child. You will put a few people in their place. You will be your child's voice and best advocate in this world!
You will find the most amazing therapist, teachers, and professionals that will go above and beyond to help your son and you will love them as if they are your family.
You will have days that you will do nothing but cry. You will feel lonely and isolated.
You live through the unimaginable.
Your marriage that has already fallen apart will be done for good shortly but it is a blessing in disguise because the man God wanted you with is going to enter your life in five years .
You will be left on your own. However, the man of your dreams will enter soon.
You will see the ugly of this world.
Yet, you will learn the most amazing type of love. A love that only certain people are blessed to know.
You will learn what it means to never take anything for granted.
You will laugh, smile, and cry all in the same minute.
You will have chills that run up and down your body when you witness a miracle from your child for the first time.
You will learn to know what it really means to live on faith, hope, and love.
You will go into battles and come out a winner!
Your relationship with family and friends will change-some for the better and some for the worse.
Your relationship with God will magnify to a whole new level.
You will understand what sacrifice really means and you will witness it from your loved ones.
You will see true kindness and generosity from others.
You will see and witness many  things that you would have never understood unless God put you on this path in life.
You will go from asking God why to thanking him for your beautiful life and seeing the beauty in everything!
You will see your son go through gut wrenching moments that will shatter your heart in a million pieces. It won't be easy to watch as his mother. You will beg God to take it away and for you to be the one to have the challenges not him.
You will experience some of the smallest steps of progress. However,  they are huge steps for you and your son. They are miracles! They are simply amazing!

Special needs (autism) is one of the most beautiful journeys. It is a journey of the beautiful innocence of the world. I am very honored to live this life and to be a part of this very, unique journey ever day. Even though our days are hard and they always will be, I choose to make the most of it. There is nothing I can do other than that! God blessed me with this life and I will do my best to live it like He would want me to and not waste it.

On the way home from St. Louis the day he got the diagnosis, I let him have one more ice cream cone before he went back on his strict diet.

Here is a blog post from the day of Trenton's diagnosis.

I am so happy and proud of how far Trenton has came five years post his diagnosis!Five