There is a lot of doubt that goes into parenting a child like Trenton who is unable to communicate. Of course there is all kinds of other emotions as well. However, one that I struggle with daily is wondering what Trenton feels towards me. I know deep down that he loves me and loves me to the best of his ability. Yet, I find myself doubting that. I find myself wondering if he really does. After all, he does not come up to me like typical kids can and tells me he loves me. He rarely looks at me or acknowledges me around the house like typical kids do. There is not any, "Oh thank you mom, you are the best." moments like I get from Andrew. He lives in his bubble and I do my best to live in it with him. However, God made me the way I am and I long for those moments that most parents receive.
One of the top situations that is difficult to deal with daily is when Trenton is crying and I don't know what is wrong. However, there are moments when I am not around him that he cries his sad cry and says my name numerous times. Sometimes when I pick him up from Harsha Autism Center and they tell me that he had a day where he cried and said my name several times, of course I am saddened. However, there is a part of me that is jumping for joy because it shows me that he loves me and wants me! He misses me and needs me!!!That is the only time I am reassured that he needs me, wants me, and loves me is when he cries for me when I am not around.
He has had several of those moments the past few weeks. Some have been at therapy and some have been when he is with someone else when I am not around. It breaks my heart and makes my stomach turn because he is unable to communicate. I get a sick feeling when is upset because he has so many trials in this life I don't want to see or hear of him being like that. Yet, he wants me, his mom, and is saying my name and that makes my heart so happy!!! Him and I have been through everything together. I am the ONLY person who really knows what he has been through. I am the ONLY person who really knows him. To be truthful, I feel so blessed and honored that he wants me when times are hard because he can't tell me daily. He knows that it's been me that has been with him through every waking trial. He knows....yet I doubt that at times. So when he cries and says my name when I am not around, I do find some reassurance in it.